My Big Fat Total Drama All-Stars Wedding Part 1

My Big Fat Total Drama All-Stars Wedding Reunion Special
Written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness

(Fade into downtown the bustling city of Toronto, Canada. An airport taxi pulls up to the side of a curb, and the door opens. Jasmine from the second aftermath steps out from the taxi wearing a knapsack over her back. She grunts, stretching her muscles out as the taxi drives off)

Jasmine: Finally! (Cracks her back and her neck) Oof! 21 hours stuck on a cheap flight traveling O.S., and five more minutes stuffed in that taxi; I feel more cramped than a cricket bat in the equipment shed! But, at least I’m here now… but why? Who would pay to fly me all the way to Canada? (Looks around; smiles a bit) not that I’m complaining, this place is quite a beaut. Ok, now where do I… (Suddenly notices a large crowd of people crowding in front of the St. Andrew’s Church. The crowd looks restless as more and more pile up outside) what the-? (Approaches one large man in a Hawaiian shirt) uh excuse me, mate. Why’s everyone crowding outside the church?

Man: (Scoffs) duh, didn’t you see last night’s “Blainerific?”

Jasmine: (Cocks an eyebrow) “Blainer-who?”

Man: “BlainerIFIC!” (Pulls out a cell phone from his back pocket) here, take a look.

(The screen on the man’s cell phone turns on, and shows a weird introduction animation: it starts with a couple walking down the street, and Blaineley watching them mischievously. Cut to Blaineley popping out of a garbage can, taking notes. Then cut to Blaineley typing away evilly at a computer, followed by a fade to some woman looking at her phone and crying. The screen then shows the title “Blainerific” in gold, right above Blaineley’s head. Jasmine looks confused at this, until the screen cuts away to Blaineley sitting behind a table looking at the camera)

Blaineley: hello, Internet viewers and celebrity dirt enthusiasts. This is your dirt-dishing queen, Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran, here on today’s thrilling and extra-juicy episode of the newest online hit-series, “Blainerific!”

Jasmine: …isn’t she that rude Sheila who made Keith MacCleaveland cry?

Man: shhh, listen!!!

Blaineley: once again I’m here to dish the dirt on some of the biggest celebrity names on TV today… or the ones who’ve rubbed me the wrong way. And today’s victims rubbed me in all kinds of wrong ways, (Smiles mischievously) so I’m just giving them my own personal thank you. I’m of course talking about the newest and most unexpected newlyweds-to-be… Total Drama’s own Geoff and Bridgette!

Jasmine: (Looks worried) oh boy, this can’t be good.

(Opening credits)

(Fade back into the studio where Blaineley is using a brush to fix her blush)

Blaineley: (Finally notices the camera; fakes being surprised) oh, back already? I didn’t see you there. (Tosses her brush off-camera)

Female voice: (Off-screen) OW! MY EYE!!!

Blaineley: (Annoyed, calls off-screen) walk it off, Amber! (Turns back to the camera) as I know many of you are aware, it’s been months since the heart-pounding season finale of the newest and hottest reality series for the past few months; Total Drama All-Stars! (A tiny box appears above Blaineley’s head, showing clips from the season finale of All-Stars) where we saw 18 of the show’s most dramatic contestants duke it out, YET AGAIN, for the most sought-after $1,000,000! (The clip of Owen hugging the guys from episode two is shown) friendships were born, (The clip of Cameron finding the votes under Mike/Mal’s bed is shown) but also tested; (Clips of Noah and Dawn, Duncan and Gwen, and Mike and Zoey kissing are shown next) love was in the air, (A clip of Courtney and Scott fighting is shown) and boy could it use some air freshener; (A clip of the villains cheering in episode 5 is shown) most came out on top, (Clips of Lindsay, Anne Maria, and Owen and Scott getting flushed, and the contestants in the balloons getting blown away are shown) while others either took the royal flush out of the spotlight… or were left a little “down wind;” (Clips of Alejandro being revealed in the Drama Machine and Mal’s first appearance are shown) and of course, lots and lots of other surprises came our way.

Mal: (Clip from episode 2) one by one, they will all fall!

Blaineley: (Shivers) But in the end, our hearts were left pounding, and our dramatic taste buds satisfied. And for that, we salute you, (As she states the names, pictures of the named contestant displays on the screen) Courtney, Owen, Anne Maria, Jo, Heather, Duncan, Zoey, Sierra, Noah, (Mal’s picture appears) Mal… oops, I’m sorry, (Mike’s picture appears in place of Mal’s) I meant Mike, Dawn, Scott, Lightning, Cameron, Gwen, Lindsay, Alejandro, and Brick! (A cell phone is heard ringing. Blaineley groans in annoyance) oye, sometimes life is tough for the fabulous and famous (Pulls out her cell phone and presses a button). hellooooo? You’re on speaker with “Blainerific,” Blaineley speaking.

Chris: (Yelling over the phone) What the heck do you think you’re doing!?

Blaineley: (Rolls eyes) oh boy. Hey, Chris. Well, I waaas in the middle of my new gig before you so-RUDELY interrupted… again!

Chris: An internet gossip show?! I had that idea years ago!!! I can’t believe they’d give any brilliant show idea to some second-rate has-beens with a video camera!

Blaineley: they gave YOU a show, didn’t they? (Fake gasps) oh wait, they wanted MOI for the show, and instead got stuck with Second-rate Chris McLean.

Chris: (Growls over the phone) How the heck did YOU get your own show? Weren’t you away in France or Germany, or something?

Blaineley: (Looks embarrassed) oh yeah that… well you see-

(Cut to two years ago, when everyone is running away from the Volcano in Hawaii -or in Blaineley’s case, rolling away)

Blaineley: (Voiceover) after the volcanic incident from Season 3’s finale… way to go, by the way, (Cut to Blaineley floating in the middle of the ocean) I was left alone; a floating, fabulous, vegetable in the middle of the big blue. (Blaineley is then caught in a fishing boat’s net, surrounded by fish) until finally, I was miraculously rescued by… the producers! Yeah, they rescued me, (Cut to a harbor somewhere in France, the fishing boat floats by) and brought me on a first-class yacht all the way to France, the city of l’amour. (The fishermen toss Blaineley onto the dock without care. Blaineley rolls forward a bit and then falls backwards. Her cast cracks open, revealing her fully healed body in her red dress) and as soon as my injuries were healed, I happened upon a poor and lost soul stranded in unknown territory, just like me. (Zoom out to reveal that the poor soul is actually Bruno the bear) I took dear Bruno under my wing, (Cut to Bruno walking through France with Blaineley lazily draped on his back) and made him my own personal assistant/bodyguard/fashion expert/dietician while I judged some French Independent Film Festivals... and let me tell you, some of those movies stank like the cheese in that town.

(Cut away to a fit young kid in a teal shirt and slicked-back brown hair typing away at his computer. He stops at a particular website, and his eyes widen in shock. He then pulls out his cell phone and starts typing away at it. Then cut to Blaineley in a hotel room, sulking. Her cell phone vibrates and she picks it up)

Blaineley: (Voiceover) another few weeks later, I get a message from one of my soldiers-in-gossip discovered some juicy news that I just had to squeeze the juice out of! (Blaineley smiles mischievously)

(Cut to Blaineley in the Producers’ office, on her knees begging and pleading)

Blaineley: (Voiceover) it took every ounce of dignity I had, but as soon as Bruno and I made it back to Canada, I laid out my proposal for my own online gossip show to the producers. (Blaineley slumps in defeat) they were very hard to convince, (Blaineley then looks up mischievously, and snaps her fingers) but I think I wore them down. (Bruno roars and lunges off-screen at the producers, while Blaineley smiles maliciously) eventually, they saw it my way.

(Cut back to reality)

Blaineley: and thus, my fabulous new job dishing dirt on anyone and everyone.

Chris: (Unconvinced) wow, that’s a cute little story there, Blaineley. Too bad it’s about as real as that nose job of yours! (Chuckles)

Blaineley: (Looks at her nose) how did you know it was a nose job? And anyways, how do you know if I’m even lying?

Chris: ‘cus that’s the kind of story I’d tell. Except I’d be somewhere cooler, like in a submarine… or Ginger Joharrison’s house.

Blaineley: believe what you want, McLean. I’ve got hundreds of adoring fans to cater to right now, so you take care and try not to destroy ANOTHER island, ‘kay? (Silence) …Chris?

Chris: do what you want, Mildred! (Blaineley scowls) but know this; in the end, I always get my way. (Chuckles evilly. Then hangs up)

Blaineley: (Slightly worried) Chris? …Chris? Pfft, whatevers. (Tosses cell phone away) not like he can do anything to me in here. (Turns back to the camera) anywho-sles, though Total Drama is over… for now, the juicy drama keeps going on; like tonight, we’ll be covering the TD news that’s got EVERYONE talking, twerting, blogging, re-blogging, and RE-re-blogging for months… Geoff and Bridgette! (Clips of Blaineley’s time on the aftermath play) Ah yes, how could I forget those “darling” chickadees? (Shows Blaineley stuffing Bridgette in a sack and tossing her on a plane) I mean, I wanted to take those two under my wing, teach them everything I know about dishing the dirt… and how do they repay me? (Clips of Geoff singing “Her Real Name Isn’t Blaineley” and playing the humiliating clips play) by humiliating me, slandering me, (Cut to Blaineley competing on Total Drama) making me another pawn in Chris’ ratings game, (Clip of Blaineley in her cast in Hawaii) and leaving me a hideously mauled goddess of beauty! (Fake cries; recovers instantly) but don’t worry; I would NEVER use my powers of gossip-seeking expertise to get back at my former co-hosts; …that’s what I have my new apprentice, who wishes to be named anonymous, for. Ooh, I believe we have him on webcam now.

(A screen pops up from the ceiling, just to the left of Blaineley’s head. The monitor flickers on, and the brown haired boy from earlier appears on-screen, wearing a masquerade mask)

Boy: hey-hey, gossip cravers! Your handsome salvation has arrived! (Holds his hands out in front of his face to look like he’s posing for a camera)

Blaineley: (Rolls her eyes) uh-huh. Well thank you for taking the risk and appearing on my show. You know that my warriors of dishing, i.e. my Blaine-in-ites, aren’t safe if any angry celebrities find the squealers.

Boy: it is a risk, I know. But the bigger risk? If I allowed too much of my face to be covered up! Dangerous, this mask might be, but it’s the price I pay!

Blaineley: a bold fashion choice, indeed; especially with that shirt. Why, with that color, you look like a young Chris McLean.

Boy: (Touched) aww, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me! Chris McLean is my idol! We look SO MUCH alike; I even have the nickname, “Chris 2.0” ….I gave it to myself.

Blaineley: (Disgusted) wow, that’s so sweet, I’m getting a cavity. Remember whose show your on now, Topher… (Coughs nervously) I mean, mystery Blaine-in-ite! So, tell us what you found about Geoff and Bridgette.

Topher: Well, Dissing Mistress, I just got home from my on-camera poise class, and was looking up if McLean-Brand hair gel was good for anyone under 30, when one of my fellow Blaine-in-ites sent me THIS footage!

(The monitor cuts to a video of Geoff and Bridgette surfing together on one board in a gigantic wave; Bridgette is cheering loudly, while Geoff clings to her in fear, screaming)

Bridgette: Whoo-hooo! (Happy grunts) I so needed this! See Geoff? I told you this would be fun.

Geoff: (Shaking in fear) it’s cool you’re having fun, Bridge-baby; but I think I lost my stomach back there at the barrel!

Bridgette: (Snickers) oh relax, babe; you happen to be surfing with a professional surfer; I won’t let you wipeout.

Geoff: aww, you rock my world, Bridge! Which is why… I can’t wait to do this any longer! (Lets go of Bridgette, stands down on one knee)

Bridgette: (Confused) Geoff? What’re you doing?

Geoff: something I wanted to do two years ago, baby! (Reaches into his swimsuit pocket, and pulls out a ring box. Bridgette gasps) Bridgette Louise Kendria, you seriously rock my world! So, will you do the radical thing, and…

Bridgette: (Notices something ahead and gasps) Geoff! Look out! We’re about to get stuffed!!!

Geoff: (Confused) huh? But we already ate… (Looks ahead and screams in terror at the closing wave)

(They crash right into the closing, and are pulled underwater. The clip pauses)

Blaineley: (Chuckles) wow, professional as ever, Geoff. So, what happened next?

Topher: well, after that, Geoff ended up losing the ring somewhere along the beach. When he finally found it, this happened…

(The monitor shows Geoff and Bridgette on the shore of the beach, Bridgette picking a starfish out of her hair, and Geoff holding the ring)

Geoff: WOOT! Finally got it! (Chuckles awkwardly) remind me NEVER to try that again while we’re in the soup!

Bridgette: (Fighting back the tears) are you kidding? That was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen anyone do!!! (Wipes her eyes a bit) but… uh… maybe you could try again on the shore?

Geoff: (Smiles warmly) anything you say, baby. (Kneels on one knee and holding up the ring) Bridgette Louise Kendria, you seriously rock my world! So, will you do the radical thing, and be my surfing Betty bride?

Bridgette: (Eyes start watering again) oh Geoff…. (Pulls Geoff up and hugs him tightly) yes! Yes! YES!!! Of course I’ll marry you!!! (The two hug for a long time, and then finally start passionately making out)

(The clip stops playing, and Blaineley is fake crying)

Blaineley: oh-ho-ho. That was one of the most touching moments I will ever see in my entire life! (Sniffles, then instantly recovers) was that good? Think my crying has really improved?

Topher: ooh, bumps on geese, Blaineley! If I had a hat, (Takes off mask momentarily) I would tip it in light of your acting skills. (Hastily puts the mask back on his face)

Blaineley: (Gives a dramatic pose) you are TOO kind! And so thanks to this brave disser, we have been on Gidgette monitoring duty for the past few months since the conclusion of All-Stars.

Topher: and we have been gathering some of the juiciest parts of their wedding preparations… including-

(As Topher announces them, random snapshots of the described moments appear on the screen)

Topher: (Geoff and Bridgette gushing over a blender) -wedding gift shopping, (Geoff getting tripped up while Brick sews his pants) getting fitted with dresses –custom made by Total Drama’s own Brick, (Bridgette crashing into the cake cart, causing the cake to fly on top of Geoff) wedding rehearsals with Bridgette having a HILARIOUS accident with the cake, (Finally Topher hiding under the dinner table) not to mention a few uninvited guests.

(Cut back to Topher)

Topher: But luckily, Blaine-in-ites are super swift and uncatchable! So they haven’t caught me yet!

Woman off-screen: Topher, dear, someone’s here to see you.

Geoff: (Off-screen) TOPHER!! GET OUT HERE!!!

Topher: (Nervously) uh-oh! Uh, gotta go! (Forces his palm onto the camera, which fades out)

Blaineley: (Sort of concerned) hello? Hellooooo? (Shrugs it off) well, that’s the gossip world for you, kiddies; it’ll chew you up, and spit you out…. Especially when you end up getting caught by your targets. (Smirks) which reminds me, my more sneaky followers got word through the dramatic grapevine that our little lovebirds WANTED the whole thing to just be a small, private, little ceremony with family and just a select few friends, and absolutely no fans allowed. So naturally, I’m getting the word out! The wedding will take place at the St. Andrew’s Church in Downtown Toronto tomorrow at 9 a.m.! So, if you want to stalk one of the best TD couples on one of the most romantic and important days of their lives, I URGE you to head on down there now! Wouldn’t want to miss a moment like this. So until then; Blaineriffic, so terrific, OUT! (The letters “That’s all, Gossipers” flashes across the screen followed by a little cartoon Blaineley waving goodbye as the screen fades out)

(Jasmine looks in shock after the video’s done playing)

Man: (Snickers) I know, isn’t it awesome?

Jasmine: (Annoyed) No it’s not “awesome!” It’s bloody ridiculous is what it is! You’re all gonna start hounding those two on the most important day of their lives… JUST because some rotten stickybeak told you to?!

Man: what’s a stickybeak?

Jasmine: (Groans) it means a noisy Sheila who can’t mind her own business!

Man: (Shrugs) eh, that’s the gossip world for you… Blaineley said so. (Jasmine just pinches her eyebrows) anyways, we’re not here for the wedding anymore.

Jasmine: (Raises an eyebrow) say what? Then why’s everyone mucking around outside the church?

Man: because, check out TODAY’S “Blaineriffic!” (Presses button on cell phone. The last part of the animation plays, and then the camera cuts to a close-up on Blaineley, smirking harder than ever)

Blaineley: hellooooo, loyal followers. Your privacy-invading empress is here again with an oh-so juicy update on the Total Drama wedding of the year! Today, on their most sacred and happiest of ceremonies, (The camera zooms out, revealing a very angry-looking Geoff and Bridgette, wearing a tuxedo and blue wedding dress [Respectively] and of course Geoff’s lucky hat, sitting right next to her) my former students of getting the goods came by to visit little old me.

Geoff: um… whoa! First of all, I was SO not your student of getting the goods!

Bridgette: second, we’re here to complain about your little wedding announcement video! It’s gone nuts!

Blaineley: Don’t know WHAT you mean… and quite frankly, you should be thanking me! If it weren’t for me, you would’ve been stuck with some namby-pamby small-town wedding with your family and friends. But now look at you; you’ve become an Internet sensation! I mean you’ve been on the TV news, billboards, and (Pulls out a newspaper with Geoff and Bridgette’s picture on the front) and just look at these headlines!

Bridgette: You don’t get it, Blaineley! We didn’t…

Geoff: (Admiring the picture on the cover) whoa-ho-ho! You look good in this picture, Bridge-baby.

Bridgette: Geoff!!

Geoff: (Shakes head) uh, r-right! We didn’t want our wedding to become an “internet sensation!”

Bridgette: we WANTED that “namby-pamby small-town wedding,” with JUST our family and friends! Our families are still held up at the airport, our friends are basically locked up in the church by your mob of followers, and we can’t even get inside our own wedding without getting mobbed by them.

Geoff: (Holds up a black battered version of his lucky hat) one dude nabbed my lucky wedding hat and botched it up! I had this thing made special, man!

Bridgette: what gives you the right to violate our privacy and mess with our wedding day?!

Blaineley: (Chuckles darkly) wow, you REEAAALLY don’t know a lot about the gossip world, do you? Rule number 1, “Privacy doesn’t mean a thing.”

Bridgette: (Furious) what!??!

Geoff: (Whispers to Bridgette) it’s true, babe. She’s got diplomatic immunity in the gossip world.

Bridgette: this is ridiculous?! What did we ever do to you!?

Blaineley: (Face turns cold and serious) well let’s think about it, Bridgey-bear! What did you do to me? What DID Geoff and Bridgette, two rank amateurs on the gossip column of any magazine, do to Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran?

Bridgette: well… we DID kind of trick you into competing on Total Drama.

Blaineley: (Scowling) tricked me into competing on Total Drama, go on-

Geoff: (Looks around awkwardly) aaaaand when the volcano erupted we maaaay have… “Forgotten” to go back and get you.

Blaineley: and you have the gall to come on MY show and yell at me? (Scoffs) who knew newlyweds were so rude?

Geoff: hey, you started it!  You were the one who shipped Bridge to Siberia!

Blaineley: (Awkwardly) that was… adding suspense into your relationship… it’s part of my job description… if anything this wedding wouldn’t have happened without me.

Geoff: you are twisted, you know that?!

Blaineley: I may be twisted, but thanks to my fan base, your little love-fest is gonna be blown up all over the media, and the stalking train will never stop!

Bridgette: (Growls) I can’t believe this! This is the most important day of my life… I love the fans, but I wanted to spend today with my friends, my family, and my hunky goofy love-muffin.

Geoff: (Eyes start watering) and I wanted to chill with my surfing queen babe!

Bridgette: please, Blaineley, call off that mob outside the church! We’ll do anything! ANYTHING!

Blaineley: will you guuuuuys… cancel your wedding day?

Bridgette: excuse me?! You want us to WHAT?!

Blaineley: look, I’m not beating around the bush, weddings don’t do well for reality TV. I mean if you two ACTUALLY got hitched for real, well that would mean you’d be tossing your ratings out the window along with the bouquet.

Geoff: (Shocked) …lady, are you even listening to yourself?! You are, like, 18 types of demented!!

Bridgette: this isn’t reality TV, Blaineley! This is REALITY; and we’re not gonna cancel our wedding for any of your imaginary ratings!!

Blaineley: sooooo, you’re saying you don’t care about your fans?

(Bridgette doesn’t say anything this time, she just growls in frustration, a few tears leaking down her face. Geoff instinctively wraps his arms around her)

Geoff: (Glares daggers at Blaineley) this is all kinds of cold for you, bra.

Blaineley: tis the gossip world, kiddies; so either you cancel your precious wedding, or you let thousands upon thousands of screaming fans in on your special day. Either way, the gossip gods will smile upon me on this day.

???: (Off-screen) yeah you might wanna hold that preaching to the choir there, Mildred!

(Blaineley, Bridgette, and Geoff gasp and look off-screen. The camera pans over to Chris standing at the large door, smiling his usual conniving smile)

Blaineley/Bridgette/Geoff: (Shocked) Chris?!

Chris: in the flesh and showing myself in. (Looks around) nice place you got here, by the way. Never knew anyone setting up a gossip show inside a storage unit.

Blaineley: (Awkwardly) after the plane ride from France, it was all I could afford. Anyways, how’d you get here, McLean? This is a closed set.

Chris: I showed them my visitor’s pass… I also showed them what Chef can do with a golf club. (Chuckles, Blaineley just glares) which reminds me, (Calling out) oh personal assistants!

(Noah and Owen reluctantly enter next [Owen looks happier of course], both are wearing sunglasses and earpiece phones)

Noah: (Sarcastically) right away, Mr. Bossman.

Owen: (Talking into his earpiece phone) uh-huh. Yes, sir. Right so that’s one sausage and pepperoni pizza, one with extra cheese and mushrooms, and one with pineapples and Parmesan Romano… (Looks to Chris and Noah) say, what did you guys say you wanted again?

Bridgette: Noah? Owen?

Geoff: What is up, bros? (Runs up and high-fives Owen)

Owen: (Chuckles) hi guys!

Bridgette: I thought you guys were at the church with the others.

Owen: we were, but DUUUUUDE those fans are GRABBY!

Noah: not as grabby as the old ball and chain McLean. Grabbed us and dragged us with him to try and “one-up” the gossip slave.

Blaineley: slave?! (Huffs) I prefer to think of myself as a mistress to the gossip world. (Smirks) still kissing McLean’s butt for money?

Noah: (Defensively) animal shelters aren’t cheap! Besides, someone’s gotta make sure cutthroat Chris doesn’t almost kill anymore people.

Chris: hey, that old lady was in my blindspot!!

Owen: I’m just here to help my buddy Noah. Plus some of the perks for this job are AWESOME! We get to eat any of the leftovers from Chris’ parties!

Bridgette: what’s awesome about that?

Owen: they always serve lobster! (Squeals in delight)

Noah: …which I’m allergic to.

Blaineley: ok, we’re getting severely off-track here! What are you three boobs DOING here?

Chris: we’re here to pull the plug on your so-called show! (Owen clears his throat; Chris groans) AND to save Geoff and Bridgette’s wedding.

Geoff: (Excitedly) no way!
Bridgette: (Excitedly) seriously?!

Blaineley: (Surprised) what? A-and how exactly are you gonna do that?

Chris: (Smiling evilly) easy; I had a little talk with the producers, you gotta love those bloodhounds, and they guaranteed that they’ll provide their best guards so no rabid fans’ll try to rip our newlyweds into pieces!

Bridgette: wow, they’d really do that for us?

Noah: eeyup, buuuut there’s a catch.

Owen: (Wincing) aaaand you guys MAAAY not like it.

Geoff: what kind of catch?

Chef: (Walks in carrying a stack of papers) THIS kind of catch! (Drops the papers on the table in front of Geoff and Bridgette)

Bridgette: (Confused) what’s this? (Looks at the papers) Our season 5 contracts?

Chris: correct-a-mundo! The producers say you need to squeeze in at least one more aftermath episode before you can officially go into aftermath retirement.

Geoff/Bridgette: (Groaning) seriously?!

Chris: yep! Turns out they ordered THREE aftermaths instead of two… but they got caught up in the Mal drama to tell you anything months ago. (Chuckles sheepishly)

Chef: still wondering why they only ordered 13 episodes last season.

Chris: I know! Less episodes means less time to torture my favorite adolescent punching bags! (Geoff, Bridgette, and Noah roll their eyes) Oh, and Blaineley, the producers said you’ve gotta pull the plug on this whole Gidgette interview thing.

Blaineley: what?! Why should I? This is MY show and I’m giving them what they really want: celebrity-exposing embarrassment!

Chris: true, that IS the television network dream… but I dangled something the producers want EVEN MORE in their faces!

Blaineley: what could they want even more?!

Chris: oh nothing fancy… just a reunion of all 37 Total Drama contestants, talking to the season 5 final three, the possibility of bloodshed, and a special surprise; compliments of moi!

Blaineley: what! A full cast reunion… without moi?

Chris: Sorry, sister, but Sierra looked at some of your blogs… turns out that not alot of Total Drama fans remember you. soooo…. Yeah, you’re done here!

Blaineley: (Growls and pouts) fine! But this isn’t over yet, McLean! (Glares at Geoff and Bridgette) and I’m not through with Jason or Joanie over here! I’ll get you two, my pretties! And your little surfboards too! I am Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran and I… (Before she can finish, Chef blows a tranquilizer dart into her neck. She staggers and finally falls unconscious to the floor)

Geoff: (Sighs in relief) finally! Thanks, Chef.

Chef: meh; there’s only so much of hearing her speak I can take. I have enough problems listening to (Points to Chris) THIS one.

Chris: yeah, but you know you love me, Brotha from anotha Mutha! (Chuckles while Chef just rolls his eyes. Chris turns to Geoff and Bridgette) so, what about you two?

Bridgette: we don’t have much of a choice, do we?

Noah: not really… but we all know he’s gonna get his way somehow. Why fight it?

Owen: besides, it might be fun getting to see everyone one last time.

Geoff: (Puts his hand on Bridgette’s shoulder) what do ya say, Bridge-baby? One last Aftermath gig before we can finally retire? (Geoff shoots Bridgette a reassuring smile, which makes Bridgette smile back)

Bridgette: (Turns to Chris) afterwards we can have our wedding for real?

Chris: I promise with my hand on a jar of hair gel. (Holds up a jar of hair gel for emphasis)

Bridgette: WITH our friends and families?

Noah: (Tapping into his earpiece) already working on getting them out of the airport.

Geoff: and NO crazy homicidal fans?

Chris: other than Sierra, not a lot. Just a few select fans chosen completely at “random.”

Geoff: what do you mean by “random?”

Chris: relax; it’ll all make sense in the end… if I feel like it.

Bridgette: (Sighs) ok… we’re in.

Owen: (Cheering) whoo-hooo!
Noah: (Less excited) sweet.

Chris: sweet! But first, to make it all official-like… (Clears throat and looks to camera) you heard it here, folks! Hope you’re all ready to tune into the BEST Total Drama reunion EVER! 37 All-Stars, tension coming up the whazoo, juicy secrets from the final nine, and one wicked surprise before the end of the day! So, grab some grindage, take a whiz if you need to, but you do NOT wanna miss the Aftermath Reunion Epilogue of Total Drama-

Owen: All-Stars! (Noah and Chris glare at him) …what?

(Commercial break)

(As the music plays, we see a wall filled with clips of the past 4 seasons. After a few seconds, the logo “Total Drama All-Stars Aftermath” explodes on the screen, after another explosion, the following short clip recaps play)

(Recap: Alejandro; clip from Evil Dread)

(Confessional: Alejandro)

(Alejandro stands up, his legs working perfectly again. He shakes his hips)

Alejandro: (Smirking) Cha-cha-cha... Surprise!

(Recap: Noah and Dawn; clip from Food Fright)

(Noah lies on top of Dawn with their eyes shut. They open their eyes and see that they’re kissing!! They separate and stand up straight, looking shocked)

Noah: (Babbling) uh… that was, I was… I mean… uh… (Suddenly faints. Dawn just stands there, shocked and motionless)

(Recap: Courtney; clip from The Final Wreck-Ening)

(Courtney is swimming closer to the shore, when she finds herself going backwards)

Courtney: what the- hey?! What’s going on?! (She finds herself rising above the water, being held by the three-eyed bear, which is wearing a snorkel mask) WHAT?! No fair!!! (The bear roars loudly; Duncan just bursts out laughing)

(Recap: Owen; miscellaneous clips)

Owen: (Heroes vs. Villains) GAME OOOON!!!! (Evil Dread) WE ARE READY! (Food Fright: Owen is chowing away at the pancakes like a madman. The Bold and the Bootyful: Owen farting on the monster’s face, dissolving the skin)

(Recap: Scott; clip from The Obsta-Kill Kourse)

Scott: (A turtle bites his left butt cheek, he hollers in pain) My left butt cheek! (Hollers again as another turtle bites his right butt cheek) My right butt cheek! Why is it always my butt?

(Recap: Mike and Zoey; miscellaneous clips)

Manitoba: (Evil Dread; walks up to Zoey and sits next to her) Phew, looks like the real treasure is right here beside me! (Laughs, winking awkwardly) Wink-wink.

(The clip from The Final Wreck-Ening where Zoey and Mike kiss plays)

(Recap: Gwen; miscellaneous clips)

Gwen: (Evil Dread confessional) Does he ever sha-shut up?! (Zeek and Ye Shall Find) This is for Cameron! (Fires meatball bazooka at Zeke, sticking him to his 'throne'. Bold and the Bootyful) How does such a big ego fit inside such a teeny-tiny brain? (The Final Wreck-Ening; She hobbles over to the million dollar case, picks it up, pulls it back, and then swings it… right into Chris’ kiwis)

Chris: AIIIIEEECUCARACHA!!! (Grabs onto his kiwis and falls to the ground, holding them in pain; speaks in a squeaky voice) so THAT’S what it feels like!

(The recap ends. Fade to inside the church, complete with an organ, flowers and a small amount of people in the seat rows; Chris, Chef, and DJ’S MOTHER are sitting up front. At the altar are Geoff and Bridgette’s couch (With the bride and groom themselves sitting down), the seat of dishing, the catapult, and the bleachers. Sitting in the bleachers on the right are Lindsay, Lightning, Jo, Anne Maria, Brick, Heather, Sierra, Duncan, Cameron, Ezekiel, Tyler, DJ, and Beth. On the left are LeShawna, Trent, Harold, Sam, B, Staci, Katie, Sadie, Eva, Justin, Izzy, and Cody. All of them are dressed in their best tuxedos and purple dresses (Duncan ripped the sleeves off of his), while Geoff and Bridgette are still in their wedding outfits from earlier)

Geoff: dearly beloved bros and bras, we’re all gathered here for the awesomeness that is a TOTAL DRAMA WEDDING REUNION AFTERMATH!!!! OH YEAH!

Bridgette: (Giggles) we’re coming to you live from the St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in downtown Toronto, Ontario.

Geoff: you already know who we are! I’m Geoff.

Bridgette: and I’m Bridgette. And… if you tuned into “Blaineriffic,” you probably know that today is SUPPOSED to be our wedding day …that we were hoping would be a more PRIVATE ceremony.

Geoff: but hey, as long as we still get to HAVE the wedding, I am totally cool with chillin’ like a villain with our old and new peeps one last time.

Bridgette: and as you can see, everyone here is dressed for the occasion, thanks to Brick.

Cameron: (Admiring the texture on his tuxedo) wow; this is remarkable work on the tuxedos, Brick. It feels so slimming and luxurious.

LeShawna: (Admiring her dress) oooh, double that on the dresses, army-baby! (Looks at her booty) this booty feels like it’s sleeping on a feathered bed.

Harold: (Secretly admiring the booty) doesn’t look too bad either.

LeShawna: (Smirks as she catches Harold staring) that was implied there, Harold-baby. (Harold backs off, smiling sheepishly)

Brick: (Smiling proudly) that, men… and LeShawna, is genuine velvet material! Colonel Maggie swears by it! Course I added a few personal touches to it; what can I say? Give a soldier a needle, and he comes home a war hero!!!

Jo: (Rolls her eyes) more like you get another frilly fabric-lover. (Looks awkwardly away) …but this IS pretty sweet material.

Tyler: (Flexing in his tux) Ha, I can even do my sweaty moksha yoga style! (Leaps in the air and lands on his hands, bending his legs over his shoulders) YEAH-AH!!!

Lightning: (Looks snootily at Tyler) You call that yoga? Check this! (He does the same, but his legs bend further) Sha-White Lightning!!

Eva: (Standing over the two of them) get over yourselves.

(Lightning snaps out of his yoga pose and screams. He then clings to Tyler in fear)

Tyler: (wobbling back and forth) whoa, whoa, hey! Get off of me, bro! (Finally, the two fall over and crash into the organ)

DJ’s Mother: Hey! What did I tell ya’ll about messing with my nice new organ?!?!

Trent: uh, DJ, why’d you bring your mom here again?

DJ: I needed help getting the church ready for the ceremony. Plus, Momma’s a WHIZ at playing the organ.

Cody: yeah, but she’s been freaking everyone out all week. You know she yelled at me for playing too flat during practice for the reception?

Justin: and she said that only “chicken-loving chickens” play the tambourine! I may be losing my looks, but I’ll eat every one of my combs if I’m not prettier than a chicken!

Duncan: (Irritated) you’re BOTH losers!

Bridgette: whoa! What’s got you so grumpy, Duncan? You got parole so you could be here with us.

Duncan: yeah, but they fitted me with this stupid ankle bracelet so I can’t do anything fun or… stuff I’d do! (Addresses the ankle bracelet on his leg) this thing’s taking the fun out of living!

Geoff: yeah, but think of it this way; it was either the bracelet or….

Duncan: DON’T even say it!!

Geoff/Bridgette: (Teasingly) community service! (Duncan groans loudly and pouts)

Bridgette: (Chuckles, then turns back to the audience) anyways, unfortunately our families are still being held up at the airport. But we’ve still managed to gather up most of our friends, all 35 of our former fellow competitors! (Addresses the first generation cast) our old friends, (Addresses the second generation cast) our new friends, (addresses the contestants that competed in All-Stars) and our lucky/unlucky All-Stars.

Geoff: including our peeps from the final nine waiting backstage in the dressing rooms!

(Cut to the bride’s dressing room. Gwen, Zoey, Courtney, and Dawn are reclining on the couches (Dawn meditating on hers) waiting for their turn to come up. Just like the other girls, they are also dressed in purple dresses (Gwen painted hers black with purple highlights). Courtney is furiously typing away at her PDA)

Zoey: wow, I can’t believe Chris is making Geoff and Bridgette host an aftermath on their wedding day!

Gwen: welcome to the insanity that is working with McLean.

Zoey: …you’re right; I totally believe it. It’s still a little mean; don’t you think?

Dawn: indeed, but it was the only way; otherwise they would have to let Blaineley interfere with their blessed day… which I’m starting to wonder if it would be any better.

Courtney: (Annoyed) well, if my new lawyers would stop giving me out-of-office replies, I could save this wedding! (Growls) what am I not paying those lazy bloodhounds?!

Gwen: (Surprised) wow, using your PDA for good? This season did a number on you, didn’t it?

Courtney: oh you have no idea! Apparently my entire reputation is in the toilet because of my “bad behavior.” honestly, you make one… bunch of mistakes and they turn on you!

Gwen: (Rolls her eyes) tell me about it.

Zoey: (Notices Gwen’s black dress) why’d you paint your dress black?

Gwen: huh? Oh, because although I like purple, I thought black would look better. I kept the purple highlights to add a little style to it.

Zoey: oh… cool. (Wondering) I wonder how Mike’s doing.

(Cut to the groom’s dressing room. Alejandro, Noah, Scott, and Mike are sitting on the couches, while Owen is helping himself to the food at the service table. All five of them are in Brick’s tuxedos, but Scott’s has some dirt stains on it. Mike looks depressed)

Owen: (Chuckles while he scarfs down the crackers) I always look forward to these tasty butterfly crackers at the service tables. They’re always so buttery and salty!

Alejandro: (Notices Mike being quiet) awfully quiet for someone who was the talk of the season, strange one.

Mike: (Snaps to attention) huh, what? (Nervously) oh uh I was just uh… y-you know, thinking about how… cool it’s gonna be to be on the aftermath… answering all those revealing questions about all my secrets and quirks. (Chuckles nervously)

Alejandro: ah yes, it’ll certainly be entertaining to watch Geoff and the fair Bridgette interview one of the most twisted and conniving villains in Total Drama history. (Mike looks down, ashamed)

Noah: wow. (To Mike) hey kettle, have you met our dear friend, pot? Well you should because he’s calling you black.

Alejandro: (Smirks) very clever, but everyone expects me to be dishonest. But no one expected one of the so-called heroes to betray his most closest friends, or his precious señorita.

(Mike looks down, even more ashamed. Pan out from the monitor hanging above the Altar; most of the other castmates look sympathetic)

Duncan: (Arms crossed) not cool… not cool at all, bro.

Bridgette: typical Alejandro: a beautiful royal pain even after the end.

Geoff: (Smirking evilly) oh I am SO looking forward to interviewing Ale-jerk-o. (Gives a fake evil chuckle) …but first, a little look back at what went down all those months ago.

Bridgette: right you are, Geoff honey. Let’s just say after our 10th aftermath episode, things kicked up to high gear on Total Drama. (The monitor flickers on showing various clips of the last five episodes of All-Stars; starting with Alejandro getting leeched) Alejandro got outclassed and leeched-

Geoff: HILARIOUS!

Bridgette: (Dawn saving Noah and Owen is shown next) Dawn saved her new boyfriend and her new friend, (Clip of Courtney’s chart) Courtney blew her chances of winning the million… again.

Courtney: (Cut to backstage) again!? What’s that supposed to mean? When have I EVER blown my chances of winning?! (Gwen and Zoey look at each other nervously)

Geoff: (Clip of Owen defeating the monster plays, followed by him kissing Izzy) Owen duked it out with the giant robot monster, and won a smooch from his crazy gal! (Clips of Scott getting beaten up play) and Scott… well, Scott got the fudge beat out of him again, and again, and again.

Bridgette: (Clips of Mike (Though mostly Mal), Zoey, and Gwen in action in the finale play) and finally Gwen, Zoey, and Mike battled it out in one of the ROUGHEST finales ever for the coveted one million dollar prize!!!

Geoff: (Clips of the balloons play) while most of the other contestants got a ride in balloons filled with the most noxious fumes known to man… Owen’s farts!

(Cut to backstage, Owen farts. The other guys exclaim in disgust)

Owen: sorry, bad timing.

Bridgette: and then after the challenge ended, (Glares at Chris in the front row) SOMEONE-

Chris: (Briefly stands up, smirking) and I prefer to be nameless.

Bridgette: “accidentally” sank the once proud Camp Wawanakwa.

LeShawna: pfft, I still say good riddance to that dump!

Ezekiel: (Wearing some bling over his tuxedo) that place was seriously tripping, yo! I hope I never see that dump again!

Geoff: (Getting teary-eyed) yeah… but still, that place was our old stomping ground, dudes. Yeah it was crappy, but you can’t forget all the good times we had there. All the friends we made, all the couples that hooked up, all the challenges we won. (Everyone looks down, crestfallen)

Heather: yeah, and all the bones broken, the heads shaven, the chances of winning a million bucks literally sunk! As far as I’m concerned, if I ever see that island again, it’ll be too soon!

Jo: ditto to that, Old Heather!

Anne Maria: aw yeah! No argument here!

Beth: I never thought I’d actually agree with Heather on anything… but I do!

Katie: (To Sadie) if we don’t like Heather, do we still agree with her? (Sadie shrugs)

Sam: aw it wasn’t so bad, guys. If it weren’t for that island, I never would’ve found the gal worth competing for.

Cameron: (Looks around noticing Dakota missing) where is Dakota, anyway?

Anne Maria: yeah, you think we would’a noticed her big orange man-hands.

Dakota: (Off-screen… speaking normal) well notice this, helmet head! (Pan over to see… a totally normal Dakota! She is back to regular size, her long blonde hair has grown back, and her skin is back to its normal color. Dakota winks to the camera) heeeey, Dakota fans; guess who’s back to her super adorable self again!

Cast: (In shock) Dakota!?

Bridgette: (In shock) Dakota? Wow! How did… you’re back to normal? How?

Dakota: You’re never gonna believe it, but I worked for it! Me!! Can you believe it?! I entered a bunch of wrestling matches while I was mutated, and won every single match! I saved up all the prize money so I could hire a doctor who experiments on curing mutations, like me, and BAM! I’m back to normal! I also hired one of those speech teacher guys so that Dakota can talk good like. (Smiles sheepishly) they’re still working on that part. (Sam sighs sadly; Dakota looks concerned) Sam? What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy about this?

Sam: huh? Oh yeah, I’m happy you’re back to normal if you’re happy, Dakota; it’s just that I’m gonna miss you being the Dakotazoid.

Dakota: (Smiles understandingly) well, if it helps… there is ONE THING as the Dakotazoid I DID want to keep. (Turns around and delivers swift kick to a seat in the aisle… splitting it in half. Everyone looks shocked)

DJ’s Mother: (Shocked) wha-di-whu-now WHY ya’ll go and do that for?! My little Poopy-doo just waxed those seats!!

Dakota: (Flexing her muscles, which are smaller but still big for her) see, Sam? Dakota still got the strength of twelve kickboxers!

Sam: (Chuckles) sweet! (Dakota giggles back, and runs up to Sam, pulling him into a hug)

DJ’s mother: (Glaring at Sam and Dakota) that’s all well and good, child; but don’t even THINK about slicing up another one of my nice clean chairs, or I will smack the hair dye right off’a your head!

Dakota: (Clutches her head) you could tell it was dyed?

Chef: (Leans in behind DJ’s mother, looking interested) is there a PAPA DJ? (Mama DJ pulls out a can of pepper spray and sprays it in Chef’s eyes. He screams and falls over)

Chris: (Laughs loudly) spray in the eyes! Classic! (Mama DJ sprays Chris’ eyes next. He screams and falls over too. Everyone laughs at Chris’ pain)

Geoff: ok, we’ll skip the good memories montage, but THAT made it all worth it, dudes! (Laughs again)

Bridgette: going back to the topic at hand. As you can see, our balloon’d victims are none the worse from Chris’ little sick-o idea!

Jo: says you, Beach Blanket Bride! I ended up smelling worse than my dad’s old jockstrap!

Lightning: Lightning’s own cup didn’t smell as bad as that balloon!

Heather: (Looking grossed out) thank you for the mental images, Brightning! But I’m with them; I’d rather get locked in the confessional again than EVER be forced back into that balloon!

Anne Maria: amen to that! The big shnook’s farts are worse than… than like, a million or whatever freak-zekiels just out of the caves! (Awkwardly looks to Ezekiel) uh… no offense, Doll.

Ezekiel: None taken, (Lowers his eyelids) doll.

Anne Maria: (Glares at Ezekiel) don’t push it. (Ezekiel shrinks under her glare)

Brick: Well, I can 100 percent guarantee that I am no longer afraid of the dark! …Except now I’m more afraid of confined rubbery spaces.

Duncan: (Smirking) aside from the stink, that finale was awesome!! (Chuckles)

Sierra: I know, right?! So thrilling and exciting! And my time in the balloon gave me a brilliant idea for a fan movie I want to make! Spoiler alert; it ends with Cody bravely racing to my rescue on the back of a black stallion, scooping me up in his arms and then we kiss… for the last 15 minutes of the movie. (Chuckles creepily while everyone just stares at her in fright) speaking of which, are you sure you don’t want to sit next to each other, Cody-kins?

Cody: (Looking nervous) uh, oh yeah, I’m positive! I’ve got this… uh… really bad rash, and I don’t want you to catch it. (The catapult jerks slightly, but Sierra doesn’t notice)

Sierra: oh… ok, Cody-kins. But just so you know, you’re the ONLY boy I’d ever risk a hideous skin rash for. (Cody looks extra freaked out and scoots backwards)

Lindsay: Well, being trapped in a balloon gave me the perspiration to write my SECOND autobiographical thingy: “Popping the Stinky Balloon in My Soul!”

Geoff: wow that is… surprisingly deep, Linds.

Lindsay: I know, right? Ooh, did I tell you, my first book, “How to Survive Being Pretty on Reality TV Without Lip Gloss," made it to the top 10 best sellers on Bins and Humble! (Everyone gasps in shock)

(The monitor pops back down showing the girl’s waiting room. Courtney looks outraged)

Courtney: what?! You mean you actually got that thing published… AND it became a top-seller?!?!

Beth: (Smiling proudly) yep. It turns out Staci’s mom is actually a well-known publisher.

(Everyone looks in shock at Staci)

Jo: whoa, you mean you weren’t making that part up?

Staci: (Smiles smugly) pssh, yah! What, did you think I was completely full of it?

Courtney: still, a top 10 best-seller?! My book, “Total Triumph for Teens” got 2 awards, and I never made it to the top 10!!

Lindsay: well, I guess they must have seen my story for the tragedy that it was. Some really nice lady from the TV even put a sticker on one of my books.

Bridgette: …wait, you mean you got an Orpah sticker?

Geoff: dude! Your book’s gonna be on Orpah’s book club show?

Courtney: (Her eye is twitching) You… you mean, Lindsiot… who can barely read a ten-page novelette, published a top-seller book being discussed by Orpah… and I DIDN’T?!!?!? (Growls lowly)

Zoey: (Nervously) is… is she gonna-?

Gwen: oh yeah. This is the big one.

Courtney: (Trembling and still twitching) excuse me for a second; I have to use the bathroom. (Hastily walks into the bathroom)

Duncan: (Amazed) …huh. No explosive freakout.

(Courtney screams loudly, as several loud crashing sounds are heard in from the bathroom, followed by Courtney cursing. Everyone looks shocked at this, while Scott, Justin, Gwen, and Duncan all smile at this)

Zoey: whoa… I didn’t even think she KNEW half those words!

Gwen: (Looks sheepishly away) I might have taught her a couple of those words… and I think Duncan may have taught her some words.

Duncan: Well, great to know we’re awesome influences. (Gwen snickers)

(After a while, Courtney comes back out of the bathroom; her hair is all disorganized and she’s panting heavily)

Courtney: (Still on the edge) I’m ok…. I feel aaaaall better now! (Normally) by the way, nobody go in there for a while. (Sits back down next to Gwen and straightens her hair) you may continue, Geoff and Bridgette.

(The peanut gallery, except Duncan and Justin, look freaked out. Duncan looks bored after a while, and Justin looks in awe)

Justin: that… was… amazing!

Trent: say what, dude?

(Justin awkwardly coughs and scoots back into his seat)

Geoff: …uh …ok then.

Bridgette: while everyone, including Courtney, takes a minute to cool down, why don’t we take a look at what brought our first guest here today.

(The monitor above them switches to a series of clips of Alejandro in action during season 3)

Bridgette: (Bitterly) Ah yes, Alejandro. Anyone who’s seen season 3 knows about THIS oily weasel, especially almost every female contestant ever! (All the season 1 female contestants, except Heather, glare and nod knowingly as Alejandro’s clips continue playing) Alejandro managed to sweet talk and sneakily plan his way into the finale in Hawaii, making quite a list of enemies along the way… including the one woman who could end his reign of terror, Heather. (Heather smiles proudly)

Chris: uh, lovebirds. I think you forgot one very special moment…. (Smirks evilly) Bridgette.

Bridgette: (Fidgeting nervously) uh, no. Can’t think of anything I might have “forgotten.”

Chris: (Smirking harder) really? Sure there wasn’t one tender, trust-breaking moment you and eel-ejandro may have shared in the Yukon?

Geoff: (Hastily) so anyways, uh HEATHER knocked Alejandro off the…

Chris: I thought that little accident might slip your mind… so I recorded it! (Chuckles and presses a button on a remote control. The monitor switches to Bridgette and Alejandro accidentally kissing, and then leaning in for a kiss… when Bridgette gets stuck to a pole. Geoff growls in anger at this)

Bridgette: (Annoyed) Chris?! Seriously?!

Chris: what? What better way to show Geoff just how much you mean to him by making him relive that one soul-crushing moment that tore his little party heart into pieces? (Geoff is chewing on his hat in aggravation)

Bridgette: (Rubs at Geoff’s shoulder) Geoff. Calm down. Remember, we’re past this! We’ve been past this for two years! You’re the only pair of lips I want pressed against mine!

Geoff: (Breathes out deeply and puts his hat back on his head) You’re right, Bridge-baby. We are past you and Alejandro kissing…. But I am NOT past that slimy weasel taking advantage of my girl!!

LeShawna: (Angered) and pretty much every dang girl on the show! So I say anything you two come up with is too good for that slimy little squid!!

Duncan: true that!
Harold: testify!
Jo: bring on the pain!

Geoff: (Smirks evilly) So, since we’re all so ready for the pain, let’s get through the introducing! Blah-blah-blah, Heather pushed Alejandro off the volcano, blah-blah-blah, burnt by lava then jammed in a robot for two years, blah-blah-blah, hand-walking, blah-blah-blah, leeched by Mal, blah-blah-blah. Say hello to Alejandro!

(A small applause is heard from the makeshift audience as Alejandro walks out from the dressing room and walks onto the stage/altar. The rest of the cast [Except Heather who just smirks] shoots angry glares at him)

Alejandro: (Pretending not to notice the glares) hola, amigos y enemigos.

Cody: Hey, AL! Shoved anyone into shark-infested waters, recently?

Tyler: or try to steal another dude’s girl?

Cameron: or left someone to die in a hole… even though I rejected your help in the first place?

Heather: (Talking to no one in particular, but still smirking) ah, the sweet scent of tension… and it’s all pointed at Alejandro, and not me. Time to see how HE likes it.

Alejandro: Bridgette, might I say that you look muy hermoso in your wedding gown. (Bridgette turns her head and scowls) oh come now, señorita. Surely you cannot still hold a grudge over what I did to you in the Yukon TWO years ago? Isn’t it enough that I was jammed into a robot suit for two years?

Bridgette: let me think about that… uh, no!

Alejandro: (Fakes pain) muy caliente. You are as quick and fierce with your tongue as you are with your beauty. (Grabs her hand and kisses it. Bridgette repulsively pulls her hand away)

Geoff: (Growls and then forcefully grabs Alejandro) ok, yeah, Bridgette is a total babe, and that dress is only adding to her hotness! But right now, we’re not here to talk about how hot Bridge is! (Pushes Alejandro down onto the Seat of Dishing) Today is all about how hot YOU’LL end up after taking it on the chin in our next segment, personally made by me… The Roasting of Alejandro!! (A little animation of Alejandro over a cooking spit bursting into flames plays. The girls smile evilly at Alejandro, who doesn’t look impressed)

Alejandro: “The Roasting of Alejandro?” Interesting, how is this different than a regular “Truth or Water balloons?”

Geoff: (Looks embarrassed) …it’s not really, I just wanted to make it sound cooler.

Alejandro: I see (Looks to Bridgette) …it is fortunate that you are not marrying him for his brains.

Geoff: true that, bro. (Realizes what Alejandro said) HEY!!!

Bridgette: just for that, Geoff… (Smirks evilly) no mercy.

LeShawna: Whooo! Yeah! Take him down, Geoff baby!

Jo: (Nudges Heather) sure you can handle your donkey boy getting dissed by the kissersons, Old Heather?

Heather: are you kidding, I’ve been WAITING for this.

Alejandro: (Smirks) very well. I’ll take your challenge… but I sincerely doubt you will be able to trip up Alejandro Burromuerto. (The clamps clasp onto Alejandro’s arms and legs, strapping him to the chair)

Geoff: (Pacing menacingly around Alejandro) so… Alejandro, must’ve been super harsh losing out on a million dollars… TWICE!!

Alejandro: (Not even phased) well, you and almost everyone else in this church would know. (The audience laughs. Geoff facepalms)

Geoff: What I mean is, you worked your butt off for two seasons with all the backstabbing and the plotting and all the athletic abilities… and all you got was jammed in a robot suit for two years and pelted by leeches by Chef… and Mal! (Chuckles loudly) Doesn’t that burn?

Alejandro: (Calm) deeply; but it is nothing I am not used to. Even the greatest of enemies must someday meet their fall… and I have met mine. I like to think it establishes my credibility as a greater threat, knowing how much effort it took to defeat me.

Anne Maria: …dang, he’s like a first class smarty-pants.

Alejandro: (Smirking) being the son of a diplomat does have its advantages.

Geoff: (Groans) ok… well you must’ve been pretty ticked when you ended up getting outclassed as a villain by Mike, the little dude who barely has a mean bone in his body when he isn’t Mal… (Nervously calls backstage) uh no offense, compadre!

Mike: (Calls back) none taken!

Alejandro: yes, getting outshined was very infuriating… but I am relieved that the Total Drama fan base has taken the target of their fury off of my back and replaced it with another.

Geoff: (Confused) …say wha?

Cameron: what? Are you suggesting that the fans hate Mike more than they hate you? Is that even possible?!

Sierra: (Looking sheepishly at a new cell phone) …it’s true. Ever since the Mal incidents, the fans have been saying some… kinda mean things about Mike.

DJ: what kind of things? (Sierra shows him her phone; he skims through the comments and gasps) WHOA!!!! Man, do they text their mamas with these words?!

Bridgette: what?! But Mike couldn’t control himself…. Literally! How is this fair?

Alejandro: It is not. But, as I said, I am no longer under the fire of their rage, so I will not be discouraged, (Smirks at Geoff) or tripped up.

Geoff: (Growls and scoots over to the unmoved catapult. Starts shaking the catapult violently) WHY WON’T THIS THING LAUNCH?!?!

(Bridgette looks discouraged… until LeShawna sneaks up behind her and whispers something in her ear. Bridgette smiles evilly; she then walks over to Geoff and calmly rubs his shoulders to calm him down)

Bridgette: Geoff sweetie, maybe it's time I had a turn.

Geoff: (Wiped out) yeah… you try to trip him up…. I need to lie down. (Passes out on the floor)

Bridgette: (Giving a deadly smirk at Alejandro, and slowly approaches him) So, Alejandro…

Alejandro: ah, Bridgette; still as radiant as ever… even with your deep hatred of me.

Bridgette: (Tries to control her anger) …you know, I never got around to congratulate you on your “genius” plan, Alejandro.

Alejandro: (Confused) Qué? You “congratulate” me?

Bridgette: oh yeah. I mean your plan to manipulate all the girls on the plane with your “beauty” was a stroke of genius. I mean, you managed to outplay every single one of us… oh wait, except for Heather.

(The audience gasps, Alejandro looks nervous, and Heather smirks harder)

Alejandro: (Looking nervous) uh… whatever do you mean?

Bridgette: oh, don’t tell me you don’t remember what happened in Hawaii? You and Heather made it all the way to the Season 3 finale, you finally had her beat only inches away from the million… but then, something distracted you! And then…

Duncan: (Smirks) La Cucaracha takes one in the cucarachas! (Chuckles loudly)

Alejandro: (Rolls his eyes) yes… I unfortunately remember said incident. But I do not see what…

Bridgette: and what was the distraction?

LeShawna: (Smirking) none other than the Queen of Mean herself, Heather.

(Heather gives Alejandro a mischievous wave with her fingers. Alejandro glares)

Alejandro: I find your efforts to catch me off guard very endearing… but it will not work.

Bridgette: (Smirking) oh, so you WEREN’T distracted by Heather in the finale?

Alejandro: (Fidgets a bit) …o-of course; I merely changed my mind and decided she needed the cash in pity. (The catapult jerks forward a little. Everyone gasps… and smirks at Alejandro, who is sweating)

(Cut to the girls’ side back stage. All four girls are smirking)

Zoey: ooh, backed into a corner.

Courtney: they got him now. (Gwen just snickers)

(Cut back on stage)

Bridgette: and after that traumatic, yet totally deserved, experience, would you say you LOST interest in Heather?

Heather: (Stands up, yelling at Alejandro) you BETTER think about this answer, Senior Jerk-o!

(Alejandro just stares lovingly at Heather, and then shakes his head to snap out of it)

Alejandro: I have no comment.

Geoff: (Gets back up, recovered) We THOUGHT you might say that… (Whispers nervously to Bridgette) …we thought he might say that, right?

Bridgette: you bet we did, Geoff. Which is why I picked up a few confessional tapes of Alejandro… including a never-before-seen one. So, still no comment, Alejandro? (Alejandro’s eyes dart nervously back and forth) well then, let’s go to the clips.

(The monitor flickers on, and shows various confessionals of Alejandro from Season 5)

(Confessional: Alejandro; Evil Dread)

Alejandro: Her glossy locks, her perma-frown, the way the hair on her upper lip catches the light when she yells at me-

(Confessional: Alejandro; Saving Private Leechball)

Alejandro: Then I'll be the one that Heather needs, (Chuckles, then realizes what he said) Uh, um, and Jo. Heather and Jo! (Chuckles nervously)

(Confessional: Alejandro; The Obsta-Kill Kourse)

Alejandro: NOBODY tries to steal the toothpick-like minx that I love! (Points directly at the camera) I'm coming for you, Mal!

(Confessional: Alejandro; never-before-seen)

Alejandro: (Singing mournfully) Oh Heather. La bruja de mis ojos. El demonio de mi corazón. La descarada manipulación que me encanta.

(The monitor flickers off, and Alejandro looks embarrassed)

Lightning: (Annoyed) what’s that last one even mean? It’s like he’s speaking german or something! (Jo just shakes her head)

Bridgette: well, we had our best translators look at the video; and what they came up with was, (Smirks at Alejandro more than ever) “Oh Heather. The witch of my eyes. The demon of my heart. The manipulative minx that I love.”

(The audience awws, Alejandro just groans)

Beth: aww, that is so romantic!

Izzy: (Cackles) ok, I ate like 18 quesadillas while hanging on a monkey bar once just to see what it was like, but even I ain’t that cheesy!

Alejandro: It sounded so poetic in Spanish! I didn’t expect anyone to be able to translate! (Glares at Heather) you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?!

Heather: yes I am. And I’m going to KEEP enjoying it until you admit that you need me.

Alejandro: I’ll admit nothing! (Nervously glances at the catapult)

Bridgette: we’ll see about that. Just one last question… after all this, after all you and Heather have been through, after all the times she left you high and dry… which would you rather have at the end of it all? Heather …or the million dollars?