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Total Drama All-Stars Re-Write
Episode 6: Total Drama All-Stars Aftermath 1: Oldies vs. Newbies
Written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness
(As the music plays, we see a wall filled with clips of the past 4 seasons. After a few seconds, the logo “Total Drama All-Stars Aftermath” explodes on the screen. After another explosion, the following short clip recaps play)
(Recap: Lightning; clip from Evil Dread)
Lightning: (Runs past Heather and Jo) Ain't nobody telling Lightning where to dig! I'm my own man! (Standing in the ocean trying to “dig” into it)
(Recap: Lindsay; clip from Heroes vs Villains)
Lindsay: (Free-falling, flapping her arms) I'm flying! (Stops flapping and screams)
(Recap: Jo; miscellaneous clips)
Jo: (Heroes vs Villains) Brightning! Dudcan! (Saving Private Leechball) Dirt Boy got in the way!! Who needs Lightning, am I right, people? Eh? (Truth or Laser Shark) He who sweats it, wets it! Team before pride, maggot!
(Recap: Anne Maria; clip from Food Fright)
Anne Maria: ain’t no way I’m gonna risk the rest of my looks when I already LOOK like a million bucks! Never thought I’d say this, but no water and fireproof hairspray is worth it! (Chef just picks her up under her arms, and carries her to the dock)
(Opening credits)
(The logo animation plays again, then fade into the aftermath studio from seasons 2 and 3. Not much has changed (GEOFF and BRIDGETTE are still sitting on the couch in the middle) except a new seat is featured right next to the hosting sofa. Occupying the peanut gallery on the left are B, DJ, BETH, TYLER, SAM, DAKOTA (Still in her mutated form), STACI (Her hair has mostly grown back), and JUSTIN. Sitting in the peanut gallery on the right are CODY, LESHAWNA, HAROLD, TRENT, KATIE, SADIE, and EVA. The audience applauses)
Geoff: AAW YEAAAH!!! Guess who’s back, baby!!!
Bridgette: After two years of retirement, we are psyched to bring you the return of the Total Drama Aftermath!!!
Geoff: I’m Geoff!
Bridgette: and I’m Bridgette. And as you can see, unlike the island, the old Aftermath studio’s barely changed.
Geoff: (Inhales and sighs happily) Yeah, it’s still got the stink of awesomeness! And it’s still solid after two years. (Suddenly a stage light falls, nearly hitting Geoff; he squeals as he avoids it, and then sits back up, recovering) Well… solid ENOUGH anyway. Still more solid than what Chris did to the island, am I right? (The audience laughs)
Harold: THAT’S an understatement; you know considering he dumped TOXIC WASTE all over the place! GOSH! (Looks over at B) How did you guys survive living on that island without some kind of negative effect? (B nervously points his head towards Staci and Dakota, who glare at Harold) …oops.
LeShawna: (Shoots Harold a “shut your face” look with her eyes) MAAYBE just keep your mouth shut for a while, honey. (Harold lowers his head)
Bridgette: For those of you who don’t remember, we’re here to dish the dirt and talk about anything that goes with the newest season: Total Drama All-Stars!!! And here to help us with said dirt dishing is all our old friends from season 1!
Geoff: ooh, start the timer; I wanna see if I can name them all in 10 seconds! Ok we got DJ, Beth, Justin, Cody, LeShawna, Harold, Trent, Katie, Sadie, Tyler, and Eva! WOOT! 10 SECONDS!!!
Harold: actually, it was 12 seconds.
Geoff: CRAP!!! (Dope slaps himself, then groans) I used to be able to get that down in 10 seconds FLAT! I think I might be rustier than I thought!
Bridgette: (Puts a hand on Geoff’s shoulder) aww, no worries, babe; it’s been TWO years, we’re all a little rusty. (Kisses Geoff on the cheek, causing him to perk up a bit) and we’ve also our new friends from last season… (A bit of annoyance in her voice) when Chris decided to replace us just like that. (Clears throat) Anyways here we have Sam (Sam is playing his GameGuy), B (Just points at the audience), Dakota aka Dakotazoid (Dakota waves awkwardly at audience then hides her face behind her hands), and Staci! Thanks for coming today, guys.
Sam: (Chuckles) thanks for having us; I mean we were really hoping to get to come out here LAST season, but we didn’t. THAT was pretty lame!
Trent: hey yeah, why didn’t you guys have the Aftermath LAST year?
Bridgette: (Bitterly) Because Chris is a lying jerkface who tricked us?
Geoff: (Nervously) WHICH leads us into our newest section, which I call, “Dude, Where You Been At?”
Bridgette: a lot of you guys have emailed us asking about where we’ve been. So we thought this would be a nice treat for all the fans that were worried about us.
Geoff: (Gives a peace sign) Love ya, dudes!!! Check it out! (Addresses the monitor above, which starts showing clips of season 3) Last time you dudes saw us was in season 3, when we were chillin’ like villains in Hawaii with the rest of our season 1 dudes and dudettes; watching Heather, Alejandro, and Cody …well mostly Heather and Alejandro (Cody pouts) duking it out for 1 million dollars!
Bridgette: WHIIICH didn’t end so well, seeing as how Ezekiel stole the million and fell in the volcano.
Cody: yeah, how is he not dead again?
Geoff: no idea, dude.
(The clip changes to the yacht from the beginning of season 4)
Bridgette: Anyways, a year later we all got invited on a yacht, which we THOUGHT meant another chance at the million…. But NOPE! Chris tricked us, AGAIN!
Geoff: yeah, well jokes on him; cus we KEPT the yacht until it hit dry land, and had a WICKED yacht party!!!!!! Whoo!!!
Bridgette: (Giggles) well ok, the party WAS pretty cool. (Clips of the season 4 contestants in action play) And it DID make way for a whole new generation of teens to take on the perils of a radioactive island.
Geoff: Home of some of the nastiest, biggest, ugliest, most cut-throatingness mutant monsters anyone’s ever seen! And we’re not just talking about Chris.
(Suddenly, a whimpering sound is heard, Geoff and Bridgette look over and see Dakota crying, Sam and DJ rubbing her shoulders)
Geoff: whoa… uh… did I say something wrong?
Dakota: Dakota is big ugly monster tooo!!! (Cries into her hands)
Geoff: whoa, I wasn’t talking about YOU, Dakota! I was talking about the monster things that were on the island BEFORE you! You’re not some nasty cutthroat monster!
Dakota: (Whimpering) But Dakota STILL big and ugly mutant monster!!!
Sam: (Imitates a buzzer) Wrong! You’re not ugly, Dakota. The opposite actually! I mean before you were like a Level 90 goddess! Now you’re like a Level 100 Amazon princess!!!
Dakota: (Smiles a bit, sniffs) Sam really think Dakota still pretty?
Sam: Hecks yeah!! (Dakota pulls Sam into a warm, bone-crushing hug)
Bridgette/Katie/Sadie/Beth: Daaaaawww!
Geoff: (Dope slaps himself) man, I cannot WIN today!!
Bridgette: (Smiles and puts a hand on his shoulder) it’s ok, Geoff. You were a bit of a bonehead when you asked me, but I still said yes. (Kisses Geoff on the cheek)
Trent: (Confused) said yes to what?
Beth: (Gasps) ohmigosh! What’s that on your finger?
(Bridgette and Geoff look at the ring on Bridgette’s finger and look nervous)
Bridgette: uh… nothing.
Geoff: uh yeah uh… don’t know what you’re talking about!
Cody: (Chuckling) no way! That was a diamond ring on your finger!
LeShawna: (Crosses her arms, smirking) well, well, welly, well, well! Geoff, didn’t know you had it in ya, sugar-baby!
(Geoff and Bridgette blush furiously)
Geoff/Bridgette: (Nervously) weeeeell…..
Staci: yeah! My Great, Great, Second Aunt’s Cousin’s wife invented mining. Before her people had to paint rocks to look like diamonds.
Katie: (Gasps) NO! WAY! That is so cool! Wow, you must be like a buh-millionaire!
Staci: pssh yeah! I could totally BUY Total Drama; ‘cus my Great, Great, Grandpa Sidney invented reality TV!
Sadie: (Gasps) SHUT UP!!
Eva: (Growls while holding a bowl of walnuts) you DO know she’s just saying a bunch of bull, right?
Katie: ooh! Did she tell you that her Grandma invented a way to castrate bulls painlessly?
(Eva growls again and starts squeezing a walnut until it’s crushed)
Geoff: (Notices the walnuts) uh, what’s with the walnuts, Eva?
Eva: (Calms down slightly) I’ve been getting more anger management. My counselor said crushing walnuts was healthier than crushing skulls. (Crushes another walnut) …plus I like walnuts.
Sadie: ooh, can we have some walnuts?
Eva: (Flatly) no. (Crushes another walnut)
Cody: (Cringes and scoots away, whispering to Geoff) tell me you guys have more walnuts backstage.
Bridgette: anyways, after taking a season off, we’re BACK in the studio! And ready to talk about anything Total Drama All-Stars!
Geoff: YE-AAAYAHH! So, how you guys liking the new season? (Audience applauses. Geoff looks down at the Q&A monitors) Ooh, and we got our first question from TDFanatic836. Hmmm…. Ok here we go! “Were any of you bummed that Chris didn’t invite any of you for season 5?” …No, not really, dude.
Bridgette: Not in the least, what about you guys?
LeShawna: pfft, I’ve been on the show long enough. And I do NOT miss bustin’ my booty for Chris again!
DJ: nah way man. I barely made it out of a CAMEO alive! Besides if it means hurting more animals, I think I’d rather chill here for a season. (He and B fistbump)
Cody: no way! If I’m here, and Sierra’s THERE, that means one whole season of sweet freedom!!
Beth: I’m kind of sad… but I’ll get over it.
Eva: (Through her teeth, crushing another 3 walnuts) nope! I’m perfectly happy not going for the million! GOT IT?!!? (Crushes the three walnuts)
Trent: I think I’ve had ENOUGH drama on the show.
Justin: my handsomosity has been drained enough as it is; me being off the show gives me time to slowly build it back up again.
Sam: (Awkwardly) uh… actually I WAS invited back. (Everyone gasps)
Dakota: Sam? You got go back but you turn down? WHY?!
Sam: Well face it; I doubt I would’ve lasted long on the show anyway. Compared to the other powerhouses I think I would’ve gotten the boot 4th or even 5th. Besides it’s not any fun without the toxic waste! I wanted to get up and personal with it so I could become a kick-butt mutant like my gal, Dakota.
Dakota: (Touched) aaaawww.
Geoff: so to sum up. No none of us are that bummed about not coming back, but that still doesn’t mean that this isn’t a rockin’ season!
Bridgette: and in honor of Chris’ “Heroes vs Villains” theme, today’s aftermath is all about getting to know our eliminated newbies today…. Oldies vs. Newbies!!!!
Geoff: which sadly means that since Lindsay’s an oldie, she won’t be getting a chance to try out the new (Addresses the new seat) Seat of Dishing!
(Lindsay walks out from backstage)
Lindsay: (Disappointed) aww, seriously? Bummer. And I really wanted to talk about my new novel that I’m working on: “How to Survive Being Pretty on Reality TV Without Lip Gloss… the Sad Biological thingy by L.H.H.” The “H.H” stands for Her Hotness.
(Bridgette and Geoff cringe and look at each other)
Bridgette: oh… well… that IS a bummer, Lindsay. But we’re just glad to have you back with us.
Geoff: and you get to skip the dirt dishing, and get a super touchy reunion with Beth and Tyler!!
(Beth and Lindsay both squeal as Lindsay runs into the seats and sits right in between Beth and Tyler. She gives Beth a big hug, and then starts making out with Tyler)
Geoff: whoa… shortest reunion ever.
Bridgette: But it was touchy. Anyways we don’t wanna keep our guests waiting so let’s see how they’re doing back stage.
(The screen above shows what’s happening back stage. Lighting is loading his tray with the meat on the food tray. Jo and Anne Maria are sitting on the couch looking annoyed (Anne Maria is in a full-body cast except for her head and one of her hands [which is holding onto a can of hairspray]))
Lightning: This is a load of bull! Lightning was robbed!! Those losers on just tossed out the strongest player in Total Drama history! Did they forget who made it to last season’s finale? Oh yeah, sha-MEEE!
Jo: YOU?! (Scoffs) get some glasses, Jockstrap! I CARRIED you to the finale last year! You wouldn’t have gotten that far without me!!
Lightning: Sha-please! At least Lightning’s a better go-cart driver than you, Granny!
Jo: oh yeah?! Well Granny’s gonna Sha-lac ya into bacon bits, Pighead!
Anne Maria: (Groans) Could you both CLAM it?! If I’m gonna be doing a talk-show thing I gotta look hot! (Struggles to press her finger against the hairspray dispenser) well hotter anyways.
Jo: yeah, good luck poofing your hair like THAT, Tanenstein! (Anne Maria growls as the screen dissolves)
Bridgette: wow… a lot of tension between those three.
Geoff: No kidding, babe. Before we bring out our first guest, let’s take a little look.
(The monitor shows a montage of clips of Anne Maria from seasons 4 and 5)
Bridgette: Anne Maria started the new season like she starts every morning, with a full can of hairspray and a whole lot of attitude.
Geoff: Her pass times on the island included poofing her hair, smacking down anyone who touches the hair, and getting all cozy with Zoey’s boyfriend, Mike.
Bridgette: well more specifically one of Mike’s alternate personalities, Vito. Anyways after getting tricked into quitting over a phony diamond Ezekiel gave her, Anne Maria was brought back as a villain.
Geoff: sadly she didn’t get to do much here either…. Though she DID put the smack down on Lightning! Which is super, super cool!
Bridgette: but after some nasty encounters with Chris’ radioactive head lice, Anne Maria had enough, and decided to leave with her dignity in tact…. In a giant toilet getting mauled by said lice.
Geoff: Our first guest has hair of steel, walked off the show with a fake diamond, and likes to make out with one of Mike’s personalities…. Anne Maria!!
(Anne Maria’s wheelchair rolls in from back stage. She smiles and winks at the audience as they applause)
Bridgette: First off, welcome to the show, Anne Maria.
Geoff: we are SOOO stoked to have you here. But major bummer on the whole getting attacked by lice thing! Where did Chris even get those things?
Bridgette: and I can’t believe those bugs managed to get you into a body cast!
Anne Maria: huh? Oh, nah they didn’t do this. THIS is from when I ended up in that sewer under Niagara Falls! Yeah, 4 snapping turtles or whatever just came up to me and started biting me!
Geoff: whoa, seriously? You ended up under Niagara Falls?
Lindsay: Weird, I ended up somewhere that smelled A LOT like New York.
Bridgette: …Chris really needs to get his plumbing straightened out. Either way, we’re SO sorry this happened to you, Anne Maria.
Anne Maria: aww thanks, Doll. But don’t worry about me, ‘aight? I grew up in this like really messed up neighborhood, okay? If I could make it there, this is like a breeze or whatever!
LeShawna: (Cheering) WHOOO!! That’s what I like to hear, girl! RESPECT! But kissing another girl’s man’s personalities… man that is just all types of wrong and freaky!
Anne Maria: (Annoyed) what, you mean Vito? Pfft! I don’t see no ring on his finger! And can I help it if he likes real, classy girls? (Burps like a guy)
Geoff: ok, before things get WAAAAY too heavy, this is the perfect time to test our new way of getting the dirt out…. Truth or WATER BALLOONS!!!
(An animation shows the justice statue from season 2; it gets pelted by a water balloon… and suddenly just breaks apart. After the animation, a pair of interns bring out a catapult filled with water balloons)
Anne Maria: whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that?!
Geoff: relax; it’s just a catapult of water balloons. So just as long as you tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, and NOTHING BUT the truth, you don’t need to worry. (Pats on the catapult, but it springs forward and fires three balloons, which all slam into Tyler, knocking him out of his seat) uh… and also hoping the trigger isn’t too itchy.
Bridgette: (Suspicious) really? The producers, who gave CHRIS of all people parole, actually approved of just using water balloons? This is a mistake, there’s GOTTA be a catch to this.
Geoff: (Winces a bit) oooh yeah, see the producers didn’t tell me what was actually IN the balloons.
Bridgette: wait, so that’s not WATER in those balloons? Well then what’s in them?
Geoff: there’s only one way to find out!! Since Anne Maria’s already got her own seat, she doesn’t have to test the Seat of Dishing.
Bridgette: (Gulps) sooo, Anne Maria; I guess my first question is how would you describe your experience THIS season to LAST season?
Anne Maria: Blondie, I ain’t gonna lie to ya…. This season SUCKED!
(The catapult doesn’t react; Geoff and Bridgette are surprised)
Geoff: for real? I mean LAST season you got tricked out of a million for a FAKE diamond; no offense but that’s kinda hard to out-suck.
Anne Maria: oh no, don’t get me wrong that season was majorly sucky, but at least THEN I got to do stuff! THIS time I was just kicked to the curb before I could do anything to show I ain’t to be messed with! Now everyone’s just gonna see me as the gorgeous schnook who turned down a million bucks for a phony diamond, AND almost got chewed up by giant freaky hair-eating bugs!!
Bridgette: …wow, that’s actually kind of sad.
Geoff: (Sniffs a bit) We feel your pain, bra; a lot of us got the boot before we could truly shine. (All the other former contestants except Trent, LeShawna, DJ, and Harold look saddened. Geoff perks up) but hey, at least we get to chill here now, Footloose and MCLEAN FREE, BABY!!! (The audience cheers. Anne Maria perks up a bit) anyways, dudette; did you EXPECT to be put on the Villains’ team?
Anne Maria: honestly? Eh, not really. I didn’t really pay attention that much. Although I’d look GORGEOUS in black leather, I don’t really think I’m a villain.
Sam: well, you DID kiss Zoey’s boyfriend. THAT was pretty villainous.
Anne Maria: (Growls) hey, Mike wasn’t with Zoey at the time, couch potato! And it ain’t Mike I’m after, aight? It’s… (Looks dreamily on) Vito!
(On the monitor, a series of clips of Mike as Vito play as a montage. The last clip shows them kissing. Geoff, Bridgette, and the rest of the Peanut Gallery look grossed out)
Bridgette: (Recovers) well you seem to care a lot about VITO, but what about Mike himself?
Anne Maria: eh, he’s another boring schnook. But Vito, VITO’s like a custom hunka meal! And BADA-BING AM I HUNGRY FOR A TASTE!!!! (Everyone looks grossed out)
Justin: …I STILL don’t get it! It was bad enough when this show made me into a hideous circus freak; then Alejandro comes in and thoroughly depletes ANY record of me being an Adonis; but I REFUSE to believe that MIKE of all people is hotter than me! The guy’s got noodles for arms! How does a guy with noodles for arms get a washboard stomach?!
Anne Maria: I don’t question it, Doll; I just enjoy.
Geoff: I gotta go with Justin, how does someone as skinny as Mike end up with a washboard stomach?
Bridgette: probably the same way he pulls off all those athletic moves: with his multiple personalities. Which actually leads to this next segment, which I designed, based on recent events; (An animation on the monitor plays showing Mike surrounded by question marks) “What’s going on with Mike?”
Geoff: for those at home who tuned in last season, Mike’s one mysterious little dude! The first contestant on Total Drama EVER with Multiple Personality Disorder!
Beth: didn’t Izzy have MPD?
Bridgette: no, she just wanted to change her name…. and an excuse to blow stuff up. Anyways, Mike’s alternate personalities, Chester, Svetlana, Vito, and Manitoba Smith gave Mike a winning edge when the game started-
(Clips of Svetlana performing in the Season 4 obstacle course challenge, Vito picking up the flag in the snow fight challenge, and Manitoba digging in the puzzle piece search are shown)
Geoff: but kinda gave Mike a LOSING edge in the hooking-up-with-Zoey games!
(Clips of Zoey getting freaked out by Chester, insulted by Vito, and awkwardly walking away from Manitoba are shown… and once again Vito and Anne Maria are shown making out again)
Geoff: (Gags) ok can we at least get a new clip?!
Bridgette: (The clip from Mike and Scott’s incident at the beach is shown) but recently, JUST as he finally learned to work with his disorder, Scott conked poor Mike on the back of his head! And now for some reason, his other personalities won’t come out!
Lindsay: (Gasps) so…. Scooter fixed Mitch’s brain?
Anne Maria: (Worried) you mean, Vito ain’t coming back?
Harold: (Groans) that’s not how MPD works! You can’t just press some reset button in his brain and make him NOT have a disorder anymore! GOOOOSH!!! (Anne Maria tosses her hairspray can at Harold)
Geoff: yowza! Well he’s right though, that slap didn’t fix his brain… but it DID do something kinda… mega creepy. It showed us, A NEW SIDE OF MIKE!
Bridgette: ANOTHER alternate personality…. And this one’s super creepy! I mean just take a look!
(Clips of Evil Mike’s actions play: including him breaking Sierra’s smart phone, Brick’s goggles, Owen’s junk food stash, and spooking Owen at night)
Sam: (Spooked) whoa! What the heck happened to Mike?
LeShawna: that boy is straight up SCARY!
Bridgette: I know right? Who is this new evil guy? And what does he want with Mike?
Anne Maria: FORGET ABOUT MIKE!! What about Vito! I need my Vito!!! (Sobbing)
Justin: (Fake comfort) There, there; it’ll be ok, Anne Maria; I’ll help you forget all about Vito…. (Rips off his shirt, his music plays) because who needs his noodle arms, when you’ve got these guns! (Poses for Anna Maria)
Anne Maria: (Doesn’t look impressed) …eh, seen it.
(Justin’s jaw drops, he stumbles backwards, and finally just faints into Staci’s arms; Staci looks overly delighted)
Bridgette: Ooooh, that’s another notch off the ego. (Nervously) No offense, Justin.
Geoff: that reminds me, it’s time for the epic return of my all-time favorite segment-
Geoff/Bridgette: That’s Gonna Leave A Mark!
(The monitor turns on and the music starts playing. First we see a clip of Zoey on stage during the music challenge; she is walking across the stage when one of the stage lights falls on her head and shocks her. Next we see Owen sniffing on the beach; he sniffs until his lips get caught in a bear trap. Cut to Duncan getting a face full of sand, he stumbles backwards, and a large pole rises out of the sand and nails Duncan right in the kiwis. Cut to the top of the diving cliff; the robot from episode 1 rolls to the edge, which collapses causing it to fall down the cliff; suddenly it gets caught between two rocks and the head pops open, causing Alejandro to slide out and land on his back on one of the rocks… and then roll off the rock into the water. Cut to Lightning kissing his biceps in front of Heather and Gwen; they smirk at each other and approach Lightning with their shovels, a loud clang is heard and the camera shows Lightning stuck in the sand, Gwen and Heather smiling; but they stop smiling when a springboard sends them both into the crab pit. The audience cheers loudly at this clip)
Bridgette: (Looks suspicious) huh, a lot of people seem to like that last clip a lot.
Geoff: no worries, babe. I’ve got a little montage these guys are gonna love WAY more! Just a little tribute to our new clumsy dude; I call it, “The many spills of Scott!”
(A series of some of the injuries Scott’s been through play: including season 4 when he is splashed by the geyser from the toilet, Cameron crashing into him, his bed falling apart and him hurting his fist on the bed, getting leeched three times, getting kicked by the boot, and the tombstone crushing his foot. Geoff cracks up when the montage ends)
Geoff: aw dude! Dude’s a walking trailer park mess! He’s almost as bad as Tyler! (Looks awkwardly at Tyler) no offense, bro.
Tyler: (Sniffs confidently) no worries, dude! At least now no one can say I’m the clumsiest guy on the show! Now, which way is the bathroom? (Runs off stage)
Bridgette: w-wait, Tyler! Look out for the- (A loud crash is heard, Geoff and Bridgette cringe)
Geoff: uh… well just watch it with the- (Another crash is heard) ooh, uh… think we should tell him about the- (A louder crash is heard)
Bridgette: (Looks awkwardly at camera) uh… we’ll be right back.
(Commercial break)
(After the commercial ends we cut back to the aftermath studio, Tyler is now in a full-body cast)
Geoff: and we’re back! (Chuckles) aw man, nothing makes this show worth doing than watching those spills! (Tyler glares at him) no offense, dude. Anyway, over the break, while getting Tyler all fixed up, we did a head count; turns out I was WAY off… we’re actually missing two former contestants.
Bridgette: Izzy, aka E-scope, aka Explosivo, aka Brainzilla…
Geoff: and Ezekiel, aka Homeschool, aka the Zeke, aka… uh …freaky zombie dude! So we decided to bring back another favorite segment… Total Drama Fugitive!!!
(The clip of Izzy’s cameo in Season 4 plays)
Bridgette: after coming back last season to mess with the new contestants… and Chef, Izzy went into hiding underground and crowned herself queen of the mutant gophers.
(Switch to Izzy’s return in the last episode)
Geoff: but after someone (cough) Noah (cough) gave our favorite psycho hose beast a call for a little reunion with my man, Owen-
Bridgette: which was sweet by the way, Izzy took off once again being chased by the RCMP.
Geoff: I’m no psychic, that’s Dawn’s thing, but I’m predicting that they’ll never be able to catch her. What do you think, babe?
Bridgette: if they couldn’t catch her years ago, they never will. What I’m more concerned about is Ezekiel. You guys gotta admit, what happened to him in World Tour was REALLY brutal, don’t you think?
LeShawna: mmphmm, that boy may be small and dim, but no doubt he got the worst of it!
Anne Maria: (Shivers) Try having that thing try to kiss ya with his clammy, seriously un-moisturized lips! I still get nightmares about that thing!
Geoff: for those who don’t remember, after getting an anti-climactic exit in season 3, Ezekiel snuck back on the plane eager to try and get the million!
Bridgette: Living with the animals caused him to become feral and zombified, not quite human, but still smelled like Ezekiel. The kicker, he actually got away with the money…. Before falling in the volcano and surviving… somehow-
Geoff: a year later Zeke was found in the mines of Wawanakwa, as king of the gophers!
Bridgette: and just as we thought he was going to actually be a part of THIS season, Chris ONCE AGAIN set him up for a fall by DENYING him a chance to compete, again!
Geoff: we sent out a search party to bring him here and found… NOTHING! Ezekiel’s on the run again!
Bridgette: No one can find him… and no one except us seems to be looking for him!
Geoff: but recently, Sierra, our little inside scoop-finder, sent us some super spooky footage captured all around the camp… check it out, if you dare!
(The monitor shows Scott sleeping in the loser cabin, he looks out the window and gasps as a familiar looking shadow stands right outside the window; lightning flashes and it disappears. Next cut to Zoey in the shower with a towel wrapped around her, she notices something rush into one of the shower stalls and gasps; she peeks inside the stall… and nothing is there. Cut to Gwen sitting on the cabin stairs looking out at the field, and then doodles in her sketch pad; she looks up a few times, and then gasps at her drawing, which shows Ezekiel standing in the field; she nervously looks up, but nothing is there. Finally cut to Owen eating dinner at the spa hotel; he feels around the table for a fork, an Ezekiel-shaped shadow standing next to him hands him a fork, Owen doesn’t notice the shadow as he grabs the fork; but before he starts eating, he blinks and looks to his left again… the shadow is gone. After the clips are done, everyone looks terrified/huddling together in fear)
Bridgette: (Huddled close to Geoff, shivering) w-w-wow, I n-n-never thought I’d actually be scared of anyone on this show OTHER than Chef!
Geoff: I know what you mean, babe! Just can’t believe we shared a hot tub with that dude once! (Sniffs a little) Where did the good times go, dudes?
Trent: They went away when Chris decided to play with a million dollars.
Bridgette: yeah that sounds about right. (Sighs dejectedly) so, should we bring out our last two guests?
Geoff: yeah, might as well. But first, let’s look at their journey here!
(The monitor switches to a montage of some of Lightning and Jo’s season 4 moments)
Bridgette: Jo’s a power-hungry athlete with the heart of a lion and a cutthroat attitude.
Geoff: and Lightning’s a sport-playing POWERHOUSE (Shows a clip of his hitting himself with a frying pan) with the brainpower of a deflated basketball.
Bridgette: Even since the beginning, Jo and Lightning have had a fast-growing rivalry.
(Clip of the first episode of season 4 shows)
Jo: Sorry you had to lose to a girl.
Lightning: What girl? Lightning didn’t lose, bro! Lightning NEVER loses!
(Cut back to the montage)
Geoff: He seriously didn’t know Jo was a girl? (Chuckles) Dude needs an eye doctor! Anyways, their rivalry only grew when Jo left Lightning for dead to become shark food, but got the boot after going Bossy McPushy on Cameron. Landing Lightning a spot in last season’s finale against Cam.
Bridgette: Lightning may have been about as smart as a pound of bacon, but not even getting struck by …well, lightning could tame his super competitive spirit. But not even his python muscles and newly whitened hair could prepare him for this season.
Geoff: One trip to Boney Island was all it took to make what’s left of Lightning’s brain fry. Costing his team the challenge and getting canned second; bummer, dude.
Bridgette: of course Jo MAY have had a hand in that too. She pushed everyone to try and vote off Lightning, while butting heads with Heather for team supremacy! Yeah, fun fact, Jo: you try and take on Heather, and you just might lose.
(Jo is peeking out from backstage)
Jo: hey! I already found that out when I got the boot! Isn’t that enough!?
Geoff: whoa, dude! We didn’t call you guys yet!
Jo: I know; I’m just getting ready because Sha-Bonehead back here’ll probably just try to be the first out here. So get a move on, will ya, Mr. and Mrs. Kisserson!?
Geoff: (Whispering to Bridgette)…no respect for the hosts. (Out loud) Anyways, after repeatedly firing at her own teammate and getting leeched by Zoey, Jo was forced to make a not-so-dramatic exit!
Bridgette: Our next guests nearly choked on a baby fire-breathing bug, does jumping jacks naked, and both got out-foxed by a bubble boy… please welcome Jo and Lightning!!!!
(Jo walks out, notices the audience, and starts awkwardly waving and smiling. Then Lightning runs right past her and scoots in)
Lightning: HA! Sha-first again!!!!
Jo: (Pouting) yeah, as in FIRST villain to get the flush, Lamening!
Bridgette: (Awkwardly) well, uh, regardless, we’re super psyched to have you both here.
Lightning: (Checks out Bridgette and smirks) Sha-DAAANG girl, how about you stick around after the show and I’ll show you how much fun it is hanging with White Lightning! (Poses) Sha-yyyeeeeaaaaah! (Kisses his bicep)
Bridgette: (Offended) um, I HAVE a boyfriend!!
Lightning: so? Lightning used to have a girl back home, but she was too slow for Lightning! Lose the zero, get with the hero!
Geoff: (Growls and scoots over to the catapult, starts shaking it) Why won’t this thing launch!?! (Everyone looks at Geoff awkwardly) uh I mean uh… so Jo, why don’t YOU take the Seat of Dishing for a spin first?
Lightning: what?! Why does Jo get to go first?! Lightning ALWAYS goes first!
Jo: (Smirking) yeah, no kidding.
Geoff: yeah, here’s the thing uh… it’s not up to you. Besides, Jo didn’t try to flirt with my girl!
Lightning: Don’t be sha-stupid! Everyone knows Jo’s a girl! (Smirks proudly and walks to the bleachers)
Jo: (Highly angered, mumbles to herself) yeah, anyone with a brain, Sha-Stupid. (Walks over to the seat and sits down) Alright so how does this thing work? (Metal cuffs suddenly clamp around Jo’s wrists and ankles, binding her to the chair) What the- HEY! What gives!?
Bridgette: (Nervously) we swear, that was the producers’ idea! Said it was the only way you guys wouldn’t avoid getting splattered.
Jo: (Groans) Whatever. Gimme your best shot!
Geoff: You heard the lady, babe. So Jo, you really pushed the whole get rid of Lightning campaign… not that I blame you, but STILL, why so early?
Jo: Be honest, if you were in MY shoes, would you have wanted to put up with (Points to Lightning) THAT all season? (Lightning poses and kisses his biceps, Tyler, Dakota, and Beth all cringe)
Bridgette: …good point; but still, you weren’t exactly the friendliest contestant; either last season or THIS season.
Jo: (Sniffs) so what? I don’t care. Friends mess with my winning edge …which I would’ve had twice if it weren’t for Bubble-Geek and Apology-Brat!
Geoff: (Notices the catapult not moving an inch) …whoa, you really mean that?
Jo: (Smirking) Yep.
Bridgette: so… you’re REALLY ok with not having any friends on the show?
Jo: Pretty much.
Geoff: so you wouldn’t bury the hatchet with Lightning either?
Jo: …I’d rather give Freak-Zekiel a tongue bath! (Audience groans in disgust)
Geoff: whoa… this chick’s hardcore!
Jo: heh, that’s what got me this far in the first place!
Anne Maria: yeah, and it also got you in HERE, Blondie!
Jo: No, it was because I was on a team of washout teammates! Anyways I don’t care about having friends, I don’t care what ANYONE thinks of me!
(Just as she says that, the catapult jerks forward a little. Everyone looks at Jo in shock. Jo cringes. A beep sounds from the electro-panel)
Bridgette: whoa, hey look at that, we’ve got a webcam video question for Jo, from Burt from Newfoundland.
(The monitor switches to a teen in an oversized rain jacket standing in front of the shack from the Newfoundland episode)
Burt: (Irish accent) ‘Allo lads.
Jo: what’s up, Irish Stew? What’s your question?
Burt: ok; who do ya hate more, Lightning, Brick, or Heather?
Jo: hmmm, tough call. G.I. Joke’s too fun to mess with, Old Heather’s annoying but she’s played the game, and Jockstrap… (Lightning’s STILL kissing his biceps) …yyyeeeaaaaahhhh I hate Lightning more.
Lightning: what you got against the Lightning?!
Jo: you want the full list, because that list goes from here to Kalamazoo.
Burt: ooh, also which do you prefer? Duncney or Gwun-
(Suddenly the monitor switches off, Bridgette and Geoff looking nervous)
Bridgette: oops, uh looks like we lost Burt’s connection…. (Sees a beeping on the panel) huh, but we do have a…. never-before-seen clip of Jo?
Jo: a what? I was there for THREE episodes; what could they have caught of me that hasn’t already been seen?
Geoff: uh… let’s find out.
(The monitor shows Zoey and Courtney in the bathroom fixing their make-up. Jo is standing next to them; she looks in the mirror and looks down, feeling saddened. Everyone looks worried at Jo (Except Lightning))
Jo: (Looks around awkwardly) uh…. (Glares at Lightning) WOULD YOU GIVE IT A REST!? Jeez, you make out with your biceps more than the Blonde Smoochers do!!
Geoff: ok, let’s just chill out for a second.
Bridgette: Jo, you know we’re not here to judge right? …Well ok the producers are, but we’re not. But that video kinda made you look a little self-conscious.
Jo: What? I don’t care how I look! (The catapult jerks a bit more)
Anne Maria: Yeah? You sure cared enough to get a makeover last season.
Jo: I was TRYING to get rid of that yeti! And it wasn’t make-up; it was war paint! (The Catapult jerks a little more. Jo cringes in fear)
Geoff: (Nervously) uh, just warning you! I have NO IDEA what’s in that balloon, and I don’t think you want to find out very soon!
Jo: (Groans) alright fine, I cave! I do care a little bit! (The catapult pulls back. Jo sighs sadly) I dunno, I’m NOT one of those preppy fashion zombies who have to devote herself to how she looks. Heck if I did I’d just end up being another Helmet-Head. (Anne Maria glares) I mean I don’t care how I look compared to her because she tries WAY too hard just to look like a pile of turd; but I dunno, sometimes when I’m around girls who barely even try like apology-brat or Boredney, I feel all… ugly and stuff. (She looks down, saddened)
Eva: (Rubs her arm awkwardly) I hear that. (Trent, LeShawna, and Cody look at her awkwardly) uh I mean uh… (Grabs a walnut and awkwardly growls) I’m still angry and s-stuff. (Awkwardly crushes the walnut and smiles)
Jo: Probably didn’t help that in school, a lot of the preppy girls and Neanderthal jocks used to call me a guy!!!
(Everyone glares at Lightning)
Lightning: (Confused) what? …Lightning got something stuck in his teeth?
Bridgette: (Turns back to Jo) Wow, Jo. I had no idea.
Jo: Yeah, well now you know. So go ahead, just pile on the jokes already!
Justin: (Stands up) I feel your pain, Jo! But you should count your blessings you never had beauty. I lost all of my handsomosity already, and even now I’m fighting to get it back; but you are lucky, because you’ll never have beauty to lose, or the gaping feeling of loss.
Jo: (Her glare softens) wow that… was actually somewhat helpful. Thanks, Man-Lips. (Justin looks down, defeated. Jo turns back to Bridgette and Geoff) anyways, what was that Burt guy about to ask? Looked like he was asking about Count Gwenula and Short-Legs.
Geoff: (Sighs) He was. Just one of those really cheesed-off fans who sends us a lot of hate mail, and is SERIOUSLY HARSHING MY MELLOW!!!!
Bridgette: ever since Gwen and Duncan hooked up in season 3, we’ve been getting a lot of fan mail… and a lot of it is hate towards Gwen and Duncan! (Whistles; a pickup truck backs into the studio and dumps a mountain of letters on top of the cast). Ok to be fair, at least half of them are actually very nice letters. But every once in a while we get something like (Looks at a letter) “Dear Duncan, How dare you cheat on Courtney!”
Geoff: or like this one, “Dear NEW Heather, You dumped a catch like Trent for a jerk like Duncan?! You’re even worse than Alejandro!”
DJ: (Looks at a letter) Or like this one? “Dear Punk Wannabes, how about I find you, take my golf club and…” (Gasps) WHOA!!! Man you guys REALLY need to start monitoring these letters!
Trent: (Pushes his way out of the letters) ok, I’ve heard enough!
(Everyone gasps. As Trent continues speaking, an intern walks through the stage with a broom, sweeping the letters off-stage)
Trent: (Looks directly into the cameras) Look, I’m flattered you guys want me and Gwen to get back together, but it’s not gonna happen. I’M the one who messed up, not Gwen. She has Duncan now and …I’m ok with that.
(Jo cringes, preparing for the catapult. But it doesn’t move)
Jo: whoa. You’re seriously okay with getting dumped on international TV, Elvis?
Trent: I mean ok yeah, I STILL think Duncan’s a jerk, but he DOES care for Gwen… in a jerky way. Besides it’s Gwen’s choice who she dates; not mine, not Courtney’s, not anyone’s. If she’s happy, I’m happy.
LeShawna: whoo! That a boy Trent!
Harold: Very cool.
Katie: He’s so wise!
Sadie: and still so cute!
(B just gives an approving point)
Sam: (Chuckles) awesome!
Cody: (Looks around shiftily) uh… y-yeah. I’m happy too. Yeah, I’m TOTALLY ok that a hottie like Gwen hooked up with a jerk like Duncan!
(Right as he says that, the catapult swings forward, sending the balloons flying at Jo. The collide with her and explode, covering her in a red substance)
Beth: (Frightened) is… is that… BLOOD!?!?
(All the others scream in fear, LeShawna clings to Harold, Katie and Sadie cling to Trent, Sam clings to Dakota, DJ hides behind B, and Geoff clings to Bridgette)
Jo: (Doesn’t look frightened, then sniffs) hey, it’s just ketchup! (The clamps come undone, and Jo stands up, glaring at Cody) You’re a dead man, Pint-Sized-Perv!!
(Cody screams and runs off-stage, Jo chasing after him. The others all sigh in relief)
Geoff: uh, you think we should help the little dude?
Bridgette: nah, Cody’s gotta learn to let go one of these days.
Geoff: true that, babe! Anyways, and now for our last guest of the night-
(Lightning summersaults into the seat of dishing)
Lightning: Best for last, baby; Sha-Lightning!!!!
Bridgette: (Rolls her eyes) so, Lightning, last season you rocked it all the way to the finale, but this season you were the FIRST villain voted off the island! It must have sucked making it so far and then getting the boot so early next! Where do you think it went wrong?
Lightning: sha-duh! It went wrong when my team of losers couldn’t take the heat… again! They just tossed out their strongest teammate!
Lindsay: they would’ve just voted you off anyway, Lamar. You were kind of annoying.
Lightning: Who’s Lamar? That guy sounds like a pain in the kiwis, ‘cus EVERYONE loves The Lightning!
(The catapult flings 3 balloons at full speed. Lightning ducks and the balloons hit Tyler again, knocking him out of his seat again)
Geoff: ooh! Apparently the water balloons disagree; and I’m not gonna lie, I’m going with the catapult, dude. Check out these clips.
(A clips montage shows up on the monitor, showing all of Lightning’s catchphrases)
Lightning: Sha-Lightning! Sha-Bam! Sha-Zoom! Sha-Boogy! Sha-Bye-Bye, suckers! Sha-Yeeeaaaaaaah! Sha-Baaaam!!!
(After the montage ends, Lightning’s just smiling proudly)
Lightning: heh! I don’t see what the problem is; all I see is a sexy beast with his sexy catchphrases!
Bridgette: really? So you don’t see an obnoxious jerkface showing off?
Lightning: Nope.
Geoff: really? Because that’s not how everyone else reacted, let’s hear what everyone had to say about Lightning!
(Montage: Everyone’s thoughts on Lightning)
Scott: (Clip from Ice, Ice, Baby) SHUT your mouth for once!
(Confessional: Gwen from Evil Dread)
Gwen: Does he ever sha-shut up!?
Jo: (From Heroes vs Villains, pushing Lightning in the baby carriage) and I really don't like you.
Lightning: (Smirking) What's not to like? (Kisses his bicep)
Jo: You're kidding, right?
Lightning: (Clip from Evil Dread) Sha- (Before he can finish, Dawn leaps off the platform, bounces off Lightning’s head, making his pass out, and lands gracefully on her foot)
(The clip of Heather hitting Lightning in the face with a shovel is shown)
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: He is so arrogant! I might understand it if he had this face (Points to face), but he does not have this face.
(Cut to a never-before seen clip of Lightning chatting on the beach and Noah looking irritated)
Lightning: and that’s when Lightning scored ANOTHER touchdown!! Coach keeps telling Lightning that he needs to be a team player (While he continues talking, Noah rushes right towards the crab pit and dives right in) but Lightning tells coach, “Hey, it ain’t my fault if Lightning should be a team of one!” And he just looks at me and says….
(Montage ends)
Lightning: (Shocked) wow…. I-I-I never realized-
Bridgette: (A little relieved smile formed on her lips) It’s ok, Lightning. Every once in a while we all need a little reality check and…
Lightning: -I look WAY better with white hair than with regular old brown hair! I should start calling myself “White Lightning” More often! SHA-WHITE LIGHTNING!!!!
(Eva growls and crushes the whole bowl of walnuts)
Trent: better wrap this up soon, guys. Eva’s out of walnuts!
Geoff: ok, I got ONE MORE question that’s gonna get ya!
(Lightning notices LeShawna and gasps. LeShawna raises an eyebrow at him. Lightning simply sits up from his chair, breaking the metal cuffs, and mindlessly starts walking towards her)
Geoff: what the-? HEY! Not cool, dude, those cuffs come out of our paychecks! Hey, I didn’t even get to ask your final question!
Lightning: (Approaches LeShawna) sha-dang, big girl! You a little big, but Lightning don’t judge.
LeShawna: (Offended) Excuuuuse me?!
Lightning: How about YOU stick around after the show, buy Lightning a soda, and Lightning gives you a free ticket to the GUN show!! (B facepalms)
LeShawna: (Snickers) You frontin’ me? I don’t see it happening!
Lightning: why not? Ain’t no girl that can resist the Lightning!
LeShawna: well for one, you’re a big ole’ jerkface! And two, with lines like that, you’re getting about as much play as a VHS in a world of Digital Downloads! (The audience and the rest of the peanut gallery laugh)
Lightning: (Grabs LeShawna’s wrist) come on, girl. Lightning wants YOU! And Lightning NEVER gives up-
Harold: hey! (Chops Lightning’s hand away) I believe the lady said no!
Lightning: yeah? Well I said yes! And ain’t no girl say no to the Lightning!
Harold: no girl with a brain says no, maybe; but my fair LeShawna is too smart to ever want to be with a jerk like you! (LeShawna smiles a bit, touched. Harold holds up a white glove)
Lightning: what’s with the glove?
Harold: Surely you are familiar with Queensbury Rules. You’ve insulted my fair lady, so now we must fight in the field of honor! (Slaps Lightning across the face with the glove, everyone gasps. Jo and Cody peak in from backstage, Cody’s face slightly bruised)
Lightning: hold the phone there, little nerdling! Are you challenging the Lightning?!
Harold: Indeed I am, sir! And I will use every ounce of my wicked skills to defeat the Shōmō heishi! (Lightning blinks in confusion) …it’s Japanese for expendable soldier. GOSH!
Lightning: I’ll show YOU who’s the expendable one when I pound you into a nerdy little street pizza!
(Lightning and Harold glare at each other and growl. Bridgette steps in between them)
Bridgette: whoa, everyone just calm down! We’re not gonna stop everything and let you guys start beating each other up in the ring!
Geoff: (Awkwardly) uh… actually, babe, I just got a call from the producers. Apparently they’re green-lighting this fight.
Bridgette: what?! Seriously?! First they give Chris parole, then they let him torture our friends with ANOTHER season, NOW they’re actually OKAY with these two battling it out?! I’m sorry; I did NOT agree to come back to this show just to go through another bloodbath!
Harold: Bloodbath? GOSH! I could take him!
Bridgette: no offense, Harold, but I’m not taking that chance. Call the producers and tell them this fight isn’t happening!
Geoff: I tried, babe; they won’t listen! They said either it happens, or they cut the funding for the you-know-what!
Bridgette: what?! They can’t do that! That’s not fair!
Geoff: I know it’s not fair, babe. But these guys are crazy for ratings!
Bridgette: (Sighs, defeated) fine! Looks like our bloodhound producers left us with no choice. (Unenthusiastically) so get ready for another round of Brains vs. Brawns on fight night.
(Fade to white, and then back, where a boxing arena has emerged from the ground. Lightning and Harold stand on opposite ends, both fitted with boxing gloves. LeShawna and DJ rub Harold’s shoulders while Geoff gives him a pep talk)
Geoff: ok, dude! Lightning’s big, and strong, and stupid; but you’ve got wicked dodge balling skills! Just keep dodging, tire him out, then STRIKE HIM DOWN, DUDE!!!!!
DJ: don’t look him in the eyes, man!
LeShawna: (Holds a water bottle and squirts it in Harold’s mouth) You got this, baby! Show this chump who’s in charge!
(Harold wipes the water off his lips, stands up, and smacks his boxing gloves together)
Lightning: (Looks at the peanut gallery behind him) what? Ain’t no one givin’ Lightning a pep talk? Uh, not that Lightning NEEDS one!
Jo: (Unenthusiastically) Lightning, Lightning, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, (Shrugs) oh well.
Geoff: (Steps in the middle of the ring) ok, dudes. The producers and I want a dirty fight. I’m talking biting, screaming, punching, and kicking! But absolutely NO blood drawing! (Steps out of the ring)
Lightning: Oh don’t hold your breath! When I’m through with Nerdly here, his blood ain’t gonna know which way’s up or right!
Cody: (Just looks on in shock, then facepalms) ok, how did THIS guy end up in the finale last year?!
Jo: (Scowling) now you know how I feel, pervy.
(The bell dings and both fighters get into fighting stance. Lightning takes a running start, raising his fist. He takes a swipe at Harold, but Harold ducks. Lightning swipes several more times, but Harold ducks each time)
Lightning: sha-dang! You’re actually sorta faster than the Lightning.
Harold: I’ve learned everything I know from Sensei Steve’s Martial Arts Camp!
(Harold then front-flips 3 times in front of Lightning, then scissor-kicks his face. Everyone cringes, then cheers)
Geoff: and it looks like Harold might actually take down big bad Lightning!
LeShawna: whoooo!!! Yeah baby! You got the moves; you got the grooves!!!!
Harold: (Stands back up) YES! Once again the mighty mind dominates over the biggest walls!
Lightning: Over Lightning’s dead body!!! Sha-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BAM!!!!
(Lightning delivers a fierce blow to Harold’s jaw, sending him flying into a wall. All the peanut gallery players gasp (LeShawna gasps in horror) as Harold is now lodged in the wall, battered, bruised, and his glasses broken)
Harold: (Groans) my jewels have been ransacked!
Lightning: ha! Told you I’d make you into a nerd pizza! I win! Sha-
(Before he can finish, a fist knocks him in the jaw; causing one of his teeth to fall out and making him fall to the floor. The fist belongs to a very angry LeShawna)
LeShawna: see, THAT’S what happens when you mess with the WROOOOOONG SISTER!!!! You ever mess with my Harold again, and I’ll turn your big chewy head inside out!!!
(Lightning weakly stands up, notices his missing tooth, gasps, and growls)
Lightning: hey! ain’t NOBODY punch out The Lightning!!!
(He pulls his fist back and thrusts it forward, causing his boxing glove to go flying straight towards LeShawna. LeShawna ducks; suddenly a loud clang is heard. The others all gasp in forward as they see that the boxing glove has landed smack-dab into Eva’s face)
Geoff: (Chuckles a bit) oh snap. He did NOT just do that!
(A steam whistle is heard as the boxing glove falls to the floor. Eva’s head glows completely red, her eyes become bloodshot, the veins in her neck start throbbing)
Lightning: (Terrified) sha-mommy.
(Lightning runs off-stage screaming, and Eva chases after him. The others cringe as a series of punches and screams are heard off-screen)
Geoff: ooh! And Lightning is DOWN!! …way down! …uh, actually you think we should help the guy?
Bridgette: (Her watch beeps) ooh, sorry, looks like we’re out of time. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Eva doesn’t kill Lightning before the next aftermath! So don’t forget to keep on emailing us your questions!
Geoff: and don’t forget to keep tuning in with Chris on the next new episode of Total Drama All-Stars!!!
(The audience applauses as the beating sounds are still heard)
Bridgette: on second thought, let’s call him an ambulance.
(End credits)
Episode 6: Total Drama All-Stars Aftermath 1: Oldies vs. Newbies
Written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness
(As the music plays, we see a wall filled with clips of the past 4 seasons. After a few seconds, the logo “Total Drama All-Stars Aftermath” explodes on the screen. After another explosion, the following short clip recaps play)
(Recap: Lightning; clip from Evil Dread)
Lightning: (Runs past Heather and Jo) Ain't nobody telling Lightning where to dig! I'm my own man! (Standing in the ocean trying to “dig” into it)
(Recap: Lindsay; clip from Heroes vs Villains)
Lindsay: (Free-falling, flapping her arms) I'm flying! (Stops flapping and screams)
(Recap: Jo; miscellaneous clips)
Jo: (Heroes vs Villains) Brightning! Dudcan! (Saving Private Leechball) Dirt Boy got in the way!! Who needs Lightning, am I right, people? Eh? (Truth or Laser Shark) He who sweats it, wets it! Team before pride, maggot!
(Recap: Anne Maria; clip from Food Fright)
Anne Maria: ain’t no way I’m gonna risk the rest of my looks when I already LOOK like a million bucks! Never thought I’d say this, but no water and fireproof hairspray is worth it! (Chef just picks her up under her arms, and carries her to the dock)
(Opening credits)
(The logo animation plays again, then fade into the aftermath studio from seasons 2 and 3. Not much has changed (GEOFF and BRIDGETTE are still sitting on the couch in the middle) except a new seat is featured right next to the hosting sofa. Occupying the peanut gallery on the left are B, DJ, BETH, TYLER, SAM, DAKOTA (Still in her mutated form), STACI (Her hair has mostly grown back), and JUSTIN. Sitting in the peanut gallery on the right are CODY, LESHAWNA, HAROLD, TRENT, KATIE, SADIE, and EVA. The audience applauses)
Geoff: AAW YEAAAH!!! Guess who’s back, baby!!!
Bridgette: After two years of retirement, we are psyched to bring you the return of the Total Drama Aftermath!!!
Geoff: I’m Geoff!
Bridgette: and I’m Bridgette. And as you can see, unlike the island, the old Aftermath studio’s barely changed.
Geoff: (Inhales and sighs happily) Yeah, it’s still got the stink of awesomeness! And it’s still solid after two years. (Suddenly a stage light falls, nearly hitting Geoff; he squeals as he avoids it, and then sits back up, recovering) Well… solid ENOUGH anyway. Still more solid than what Chris did to the island, am I right? (The audience laughs)
Harold: THAT’S an understatement; you know considering he dumped TOXIC WASTE all over the place! GOSH! (Looks over at B) How did you guys survive living on that island without some kind of negative effect? (B nervously points his head towards Staci and Dakota, who glare at Harold) …oops.
LeShawna: (Shoots Harold a “shut your face” look with her eyes) MAAYBE just keep your mouth shut for a while, honey. (Harold lowers his head)
Bridgette: For those of you who don’t remember, we’re here to dish the dirt and talk about anything that goes with the newest season: Total Drama All-Stars!!! And here to help us with said dirt dishing is all our old friends from season 1!
Geoff: ooh, start the timer; I wanna see if I can name them all in 10 seconds! Ok we got DJ, Beth, Justin, Cody, LeShawna, Harold, Trent, Katie, Sadie, Tyler, and Eva! WOOT! 10 SECONDS!!!
Harold: actually, it was 12 seconds.
Geoff: CRAP!!! (Dope slaps himself, then groans) I used to be able to get that down in 10 seconds FLAT! I think I might be rustier than I thought!
Bridgette: (Puts a hand on Geoff’s shoulder) aww, no worries, babe; it’s been TWO years, we’re all a little rusty. (Kisses Geoff on the cheek, causing him to perk up a bit) and we’ve also our new friends from last season… (A bit of annoyance in her voice) when Chris decided to replace us just like that. (Clears throat) Anyways here we have Sam (Sam is playing his GameGuy), B (Just points at the audience), Dakota aka Dakotazoid (Dakota waves awkwardly at audience then hides her face behind her hands), and Staci! Thanks for coming today, guys.
Sam: (Chuckles) thanks for having us; I mean we were really hoping to get to come out here LAST season, but we didn’t. THAT was pretty lame!
Trent: hey yeah, why didn’t you guys have the Aftermath LAST year?
Bridgette: (Bitterly) Because Chris is a lying jerkface who tricked us?
Geoff: (Nervously) WHICH leads us into our newest section, which I call, “Dude, Where You Been At?”
Bridgette: a lot of you guys have emailed us asking about where we’ve been. So we thought this would be a nice treat for all the fans that were worried about us.
Geoff: (Gives a peace sign) Love ya, dudes!!! Check it out! (Addresses the monitor above, which starts showing clips of season 3) Last time you dudes saw us was in season 3, when we were chillin’ like villains in Hawaii with the rest of our season 1 dudes and dudettes; watching Heather, Alejandro, and Cody …well mostly Heather and Alejandro (Cody pouts) duking it out for 1 million dollars!
Bridgette: WHIIICH didn’t end so well, seeing as how Ezekiel stole the million and fell in the volcano.
Cody: yeah, how is he not dead again?
Geoff: no idea, dude.
(The clip changes to the yacht from the beginning of season 4)
Bridgette: Anyways, a year later we all got invited on a yacht, which we THOUGHT meant another chance at the million…. But NOPE! Chris tricked us, AGAIN!
Geoff: yeah, well jokes on him; cus we KEPT the yacht until it hit dry land, and had a WICKED yacht party!!!!!! Whoo!!!
Bridgette: (Giggles) well ok, the party WAS pretty cool. (Clips of the season 4 contestants in action play) And it DID make way for a whole new generation of teens to take on the perils of a radioactive island.
Geoff: Home of some of the nastiest, biggest, ugliest, most cut-throatingness mutant monsters anyone’s ever seen! And we’re not just talking about Chris.
(Suddenly, a whimpering sound is heard, Geoff and Bridgette look over and see Dakota crying, Sam and DJ rubbing her shoulders)
Geoff: whoa… uh… did I say something wrong?
Dakota: Dakota is big ugly monster tooo!!! (Cries into her hands)
Geoff: whoa, I wasn’t talking about YOU, Dakota! I was talking about the monster things that were on the island BEFORE you! You’re not some nasty cutthroat monster!
Dakota: (Whimpering) But Dakota STILL big and ugly mutant monster!!!
Sam: (Imitates a buzzer) Wrong! You’re not ugly, Dakota. The opposite actually! I mean before you were like a Level 90 goddess! Now you’re like a Level 100 Amazon princess!!!
Dakota: (Smiles a bit, sniffs) Sam really think Dakota still pretty?
Sam: Hecks yeah!! (Dakota pulls Sam into a warm, bone-crushing hug)
Bridgette/Katie/Sadie/Beth: Daaaaawww!
Geoff: (Dope slaps himself) man, I cannot WIN today!!
Bridgette: (Smiles and puts a hand on his shoulder) it’s ok, Geoff. You were a bit of a bonehead when you asked me, but I still said yes. (Kisses Geoff on the cheek)
Trent: (Confused) said yes to what?
Beth: (Gasps) ohmigosh! What’s that on your finger?
(Bridgette and Geoff look at the ring on Bridgette’s finger and look nervous)
Bridgette: uh… nothing.
Geoff: uh yeah uh… don’t know what you’re talking about!
Cody: (Chuckling) no way! That was a diamond ring on your finger!
LeShawna: (Crosses her arms, smirking) well, well, welly, well, well! Geoff, didn’t know you had it in ya, sugar-baby!
(Geoff and Bridgette blush furiously)
Geoff/Bridgette: (Nervously) weeeeell…..
Staci: yeah! My Great, Great, Second Aunt’s Cousin’s wife invented mining. Before her people had to paint rocks to look like diamonds.
Katie: (Gasps) NO! WAY! That is so cool! Wow, you must be like a buh-millionaire!
Staci: pssh yeah! I could totally BUY Total Drama; ‘cus my Great, Great, Grandpa Sidney invented reality TV!
Sadie: (Gasps) SHUT UP!!
Eva: (Growls while holding a bowl of walnuts) you DO know she’s just saying a bunch of bull, right?
Katie: ooh! Did she tell you that her Grandma invented a way to castrate bulls painlessly?
(Eva growls again and starts squeezing a walnut until it’s crushed)
Geoff: (Notices the walnuts) uh, what’s with the walnuts, Eva?
Eva: (Calms down slightly) I’ve been getting more anger management. My counselor said crushing walnuts was healthier than crushing skulls. (Crushes another walnut) …plus I like walnuts.
Sadie: ooh, can we have some walnuts?
Eva: (Flatly) no. (Crushes another walnut)
Cody: (Cringes and scoots away, whispering to Geoff) tell me you guys have more walnuts backstage.
Bridgette: anyways, after taking a season off, we’re BACK in the studio! And ready to talk about anything Total Drama All-Stars!
Geoff: YE-AAAYAHH! So, how you guys liking the new season? (Audience applauses. Geoff looks down at the Q&A monitors) Ooh, and we got our first question from TDFanatic836. Hmmm…. Ok here we go! “Were any of you bummed that Chris didn’t invite any of you for season 5?” …No, not really, dude.
Bridgette: Not in the least, what about you guys?
LeShawna: pfft, I’ve been on the show long enough. And I do NOT miss bustin’ my booty for Chris again!
DJ: nah way man. I barely made it out of a CAMEO alive! Besides if it means hurting more animals, I think I’d rather chill here for a season. (He and B fistbump)
Cody: no way! If I’m here, and Sierra’s THERE, that means one whole season of sweet freedom!!
Beth: I’m kind of sad… but I’ll get over it.
Eva: (Through her teeth, crushing another 3 walnuts) nope! I’m perfectly happy not going for the million! GOT IT?!!? (Crushes the three walnuts)
Trent: I think I’ve had ENOUGH drama on the show.
Justin: my handsomosity has been drained enough as it is; me being off the show gives me time to slowly build it back up again.
Sam: (Awkwardly) uh… actually I WAS invited back. (Everyone gasps)
Dakota: Sam? You got go back but you turn down? WHY?!
Sam: Well face it; I doubt I would’ve lasted long on the show anyway. Compared to the other powerhouses I think I would’ve gotten the boot 4th or even 5th. Besides it’s not any fun without the toxic waste! I wanted to get up and personal with it so I could become a kick-butt mutant like my gal, Dakota.
Dakota: (Touched) aaaawww.
Geoff: so to sum up. No none of us are that bummed about not coming back, but that still doesn’t mean that this isn’t a rockin’ season!
Bridgette: and in honor of Chris’ “Heroes vs Villains” theme, today’s aftermath is all about getting to know our eliminated newbies today…. Oldies vs. Newbies!!!!
Geoff: which sadly means that since Lindsay’s an oldie, she won’t be getting a chance to try out the new (Addresses the new seat) Seat of Dishing!
(Lindsay walks out from backstage)
Lindsay: (Disappointed) aww, seriously? Bummer. And I really wanted to talk about my new novel that I’m working on: “How to Survive Being Pretty on Reality TV Without Lip Gloss… the Sad Biological thingy by L.H.H.” The “H.H” stands for Her Hotness.
(Bridgette and Geoff cringe and look at each other)
Bridgette: oh… well… that IS a bummer, Lindsay. But we’re just glad to have you back with us.
Geoff: and you get to skip the dirt dishing, and get a super touchy reunion with Beth and Tyler!!
(Beth and Lindsay both squeal as Lindsay runs into the seats and sits right in between Beth and Tyler. She gives Beth a big hug, and then starts making out with Tyler)
Geoff: whoa… shortest reunion ever.
Bridgette: But it was touchy. Anyways we don’t wanna keep our guests waiting so let’s see how they’re doing back stage.
(The screen above shows what’s happening back stage. Lighting is loading his tray with the meat on the food tray. Jo and Anne Maria are sitting on the couch looking annoyed (Anne Maria is in a full-body cast except for her head and one of her hands [which is holding onto a can of hairspray]))
Lightning: This is a load of bull! Lightning was robbed!! Those losers on just tossed out the strongest player in Total Drama history! Did they forget who made it to last season’s finale? Oh yeah, sha-MEEE!
Jo: YOU?! (Scoffs) get some glasses, Jockstrap! I CARRIED you to the finale last year! You wouldn’t have gotten that far without me!!
Lightning: Sha-please! At least Lightning’s a better go-cart driver than you, Granny!
Jo: oh yeah?! Well Granny’s gonna Sha-lac ya into bacon bits, Pighead!
Anne Maria: (Groans) Could you both CLAM it?! If I’m gonna be doing a talk-show thing I gotta look hot! (Struggles to press her finger against the hairspray dispenser) well hotter anyways.
Jo: yeah, good luck poofing your hair like THAT, Tanenstein! (Anne Maria growls as the screen dissolves)
Bridgette: wow… a lot of tension between those three.
Geoff: No kidding, babe. Before we bring out our first guest, let’s take a little look.
(The monitor shows a montage of clips of Anne Maria from seasons 4 and 5)
Bridgette: Anne Maria started the new season like she starts every morning, with a full can of hairspray and a whole lot of attitude.
Geoff: Her pass times on the island included poofing her hair, smacking down anyone who touches the hair, and getting all cozy with Zoey’s boyfriend, Mike.
Bridgette: well more specifically one of Mike’s alternate personalities, Vito. Anyways after getting tricked into quitting over a phony diamond Ezekiel gave her, Anne Maria was brought back as a villain.
Geoff: sadly she didn’t get to do much here either…. Though she DID put the smack down on Lightning! Which is super, super cool!
Bridgette: but after some nasty encounters with Chris’ radioactive head lice, Anne Maria had enough, and decided to leave with her dignity in tact…. In a giant toilet getting mauled by said lice.
Geoff: Our first guest has hair of steel, walked off the show with a fake diamond, and likes to make out with one of Mike’s personalities…. Anne Maria!!
(Anne Maria’s wheelchair rolls in from back stage. She smiles and winks at the audience as they applause)
Bridgette: First off, welcome to the show, Anne Maria.
Geoff: we are SOOO stoked to have you here. But major bummer on the whole getting attacked by lice thing! Where did Chris even get those things?
Bridgette: and I can’t believe those bugs managed to get you into a body cast!
Anne Maria: huh? Oh, nah they didn’t do this. THIS is from when I ended up in that sewer under Niagara Falls! Yeah, 4 snapping turtles or whatever just came up to me and started biting me!
Geoff: whoa, seriously? You ended up under Niagara Falls?
Lindsay: Weird, I ended up somewhere that smelled A LOT like New York.
Bridgette: …Chris really needs to get his plumbing straightened out. Either way, we’re SO sorry this happened to you, Anne Maria.
Anne Maria: aww thanks, Doll. But don’t worry about me, ‘aight? I grew up in this like really messed up neighborhood, okay? If I could make it there, this is like a breeze or whatever!
LeShawna: (Cheering) WHOOO!! That’s what I like to hear, girl! RESPECT! But kissing another girl’s man’s personalities… man that is just all types of wrong and freaky!
Anne Maria: (Annoyed) what, you mean Vito? Pfft! I don’t see no ring on his finger! And can I help it if he likes real, classy girls? (Burps like a guy)
Geoff: ok, before things get WAAAAY too heavy, this is the perfect time to test our new way of getting the dirt out…. Truth or WATER BALLOONS!!!
(An animation shows the justice statue from season 2; it gets pelted by a water balloon… and suddenly just breaks apart. After the animation, a pair of interns bring out a catapult filled with water balloons)
Anne Maria: whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that?!
Geoff: relax; it’s just a catapult of water balloons. So just as long as you tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, and NOTHING BUT the truth, you don’t need to worry. (Pats on the catapult, but it springs forward and fires three balloons, which all slam into Tyler, knocking him out of his seat) uh… and also hoping the trigger isn’t too itchy.
Bridgette: (Suspicious) really? The producers, who gave CHRIS of all people parole, actually approved of just using water balloons? This is a mistake, there’s GOTTA be a catch to this.
Geoff: (Winces a bit) oooh yeah, see the producers didn’t tell me what was actually IN the balloons.
Bridgette: wait, so that’s not WATER in those balloons? Well then what’s in them?
Geoff: there’s only one way to find out!! Since Anne Maria’s already got her own seat, she doesn’t have to test the Seat of Dishing.
Bridgette: (Gulps) sooo, Anne Maria; I guess my first question is how would you describe your experience THIS season to LAST season?
Anne Maria: Blondie, I ain’t gonna lie to ya…. This season SUCKED!
(The catapult doesn’t react; Geoff and Bridgette are surprised)
Geoff: for real? I mean LAST season you got tricked out of a million for a FAKE diamond; no offense but that’s kinda hard to out-suck.
Anne Maria: oh no, don’t get me wrong that season was majorly sucky, but at least THEN I got to do stuff! THIS time I was just kicked to the curb before I could do anything to show I ain’t to be messed with! Now everyone’s just gonna see me as the gorgeous schnook who turned down a million bucks for a phony diamond, AND almost got chewed up by giant freaky hair-eating bugs!!
Bridgette: …wow, that’s actually kind of sad.
Geoff: (Sniffs a bit) We feel your pain, bra; a lot of us got the boot before we could truly shine. (All the other former contestants except Trent, LeShawna, DJ, and Harold look saddened. Geoff perks up) but hey, at least we get to chill here now, Footloose and MCLEAN FREE, BABY!!! (The audience cheers. Anne Maria perks up a bit) anyways, dudette; did you EXPECT to be put on the Villains’ team?
Anne Maria: honestly? Eh, not really. I didn’t really pay attention that much. Although I’d look GORGEOUS in black leather, I don’t really think I’m a villain.
Sam: well, you DID kiss Zoey’s boyfriend. THAT was pretty villainous.
Anne Maria: (Growls) hey, Mike wasn’t with Zoey at the time, couch potato! And it ain’t Mike I’m after, aight? It’s… (Looks dreamily on) Vito!
(On the monitor, a series of clips of Mike as Vito play as a montage. The last clip shows them kissing. Geoff, Bridgette, and the rest of the Peanut Gallery look grossed out)
Bridgette: (Recovers) well you seem to care a lot about VITO, but what about Mike himself?
Anne Maria: eh, he’s another boring schnook. But Vito, VITO’s like a custom hunka meal! And BADA-BING AM I HUNGRY FOR A TASTE!!!! (Everyone looks grossed out)
Justin: …I STILL don’t get it! It was bad enough when this show made me into a hideous circus freak; then Alejandro comes in and thoroughly depletes ANY record of me being an Adonis; but I REFUSE to believe that MIKE of all people is hotter than me! The guy’s got noodles for arms! How does a guy with noodles for arms get a washboard stomach?!
Anne Maria: I don’t question it, Doll; I just enjoy.
Geoff: I gotta go with Justin, how does someone as skinny as Mike end up with a washboard stomach?
Bridgette: probably the same way he pulls off all those athletic moves: with his multiple personalities. Which actually leads to this next segment, which I designed, based on recent events; (An animation on the monitor plays showing Mike surrounded by question marks) “What’s going on with Mike?”
Geoff: for those at home who tuned in last season, Mike’s one mysterious little dude! The first contestant on Total Drama EVER with Multiple Personality Disorder!
Beth: didn’t Izzy have MPD?
Bridgette: no, she just wanted to change her name…. and an excuse to blow stuff up. Anyways, Mike’s alternate personalities, Chester, Svetlana, Vito, and Manitoba Smith gave Mike a winning edge when the game started-
(Clips of Svetlana performing in the Season 4 obstacle course challenge, Vito picking up the flag in the snow fight challenge, and Manitoba digging in the puzzle piece search are shown)
Geoff: but kinda gave Mike a LOSING edge in the hooking-up-with-Zoey games!
(Clips of Zoey getting freaked out by Chester, insulted by Vito, and awkwardly walking away from Manitoba are shown… and once again Vito and Anne Maria are shown making out again)
Geoff: (Gags) ok can we at least get a new clip?!
Bridgette: (The clip from Mike and Scott’s incident at the beach is shown) but recently, JUST as he finally learned to work with his disorder, Scott conked poor Mike on the back of his head! And now for some reason, his other personalities won’t come out!
Lindsay: (Gasps) so…. Scooter fixed Mitch’s brain?
Anne Maria: (Worried) you mean, Vito ain’t coming back?
Harold: (Groans) that’s not how MPD works! You can’t just press some reset button in his brain and make him NOT have a disorder anymore! GOOOOSH!!! (Anne Maria tosses her hairspray can at Harold)
Geoff: yowza! Well he’s right though, that slap didn’t fix his brain… but it DID do something kinda… mega creepy. It showed us, A NEW SIDE OF MIKE!
Bridgette: ANOTHER alternate personality…. And this one’s super creepy! I mean just take a look!
(Clips of Evil Mike’s actions play: including him breaking Sierra’s smart phone, Brick’s goggles, Owen’s junk food stash, and spooking Owen at night)
Sam: (Spooked) whoa! What the heck happened to Mike?
LeShawna: that boy is straight up SCARY!
Bridgette: I know right? Who is this new evil guy? And what does he want with Mike?
Anne Maria: FORGET ABOUT MIKE!! What about Vito! I need my Vito!!! (Sobbing)
Justin: (Fake comfort) There, there; it’ll be ok, Anne Maria; I’ll help you forget all about Vito…. (Rips off his shirt, his music plays) because who needs his noodle arms, when you’ve got these guns! (Poses for Anna Maria)
Anne Maria: (Doesn’t look impressed) …eh, seen it.
(Justin’s jaw drops, he stumbles backwards, and finally just faints into Staci’s arms; Staci looks overly delighted)
Bridgette: Ooooh, that’s another notch off the ego. (Nervously) No offense, Justin.
Geoff: that reminds me, it’s time for the epic return of my all-time favorite segment-
Geoff/Bridgette: That’s Gonna Leave A Mark!
(The monitor turns on and the music starts playing. First we see a clip of Zoey on stage during the music challenge; she is walking across the stage when one of the stage lights falls on her head and shocks her. Next we see Owen sniffing on the beach; he sniffs until his lips get caught in a bear trap. Cut to Duncan getting a face full of sand, he stumbles backwards, and a large pole rises out of the sand and nails Duncan right in the kiwis. Cut to the top of the diving cliff; the robot from episode 1 rolls to the edge, which collapses causing it to fall down the cliff; suddenly it gets caught between two rocks and the head pops open, causing Alejandro to slide out and land on his back on one of the rocks… and then roll off the rock into the water. Cut to Lightning kissing his biceps in front of Heather and Gwen; they smirk at each other and approach Lightning with their shovels, a loud clang is heard and the camera shows Lightning stuck in the sand, Gwen and Heather smiling; but they stop smiling when a springboard sends them both into the crab pit. The audience cheers loudly at this clip)
Bridgette: (Looks suspicious) huh, a lot of people seem to like that last clip a lot.
Geoff: no worries, babe. I’ve got a little montage these guys are gonna love WAY more! Just a little tribute to our new clumsy dude; I call it, “The many spills of Scott!”
(A series of some of the injuries Scott’s been through play: including season 4 when he is splashed by the geyser from the toilet, Cameron crashing into him, his bed falling apart and him hurting his fist on the bed, getting leeched three times, getting kicked by the boot, and the tombstone crushing his foot. Geoff cracks up when the montage ends)
Geoff: aw dude! Dude’s a walking trailer park mess! He’s almost as bad as Tyler! (Looks awkwardly at Tyler) no offense, bro.
Tyler: (Sniffs confidently) no worries, dude! At least now no one can say I’m the clumsiest guy on the show! Now, which way is the bathroom? (Runs off stage)
Bridgette: w-wait, Tyler! Look out for the- (A loud crash is heard, Geoff and Bridgette cringe)
Geoff: uh… well just watch it with the- (Another crash is heard) ooh, uh… think we should tell him about the- (A louder crash is heard)
Bridgette: (Looks awkwardly at camera) uh… we’ll be right back.
(Commercial break)
(After the commercial ends we cut back to the aftermath studio, Tyler is now in a full-body cast)
Geoff: and we’re back! (Chuckles) aw man, nothing makes this show worth doing than watching those spills! (Tyler glares at him) no offense, dude. Anyway, over the break, while getting Tyler all fixed up, we did a head count; turns out I was WAY off… we’re actually missing two former contestants.
Bridgette: Izzy, aka E-scope, aka Explosivo, aka Brainzilla…
Geoff: and Ezekiel, aka Homeschool, aka the Zeke, aka… uh …freaky zombie dude! So we decided to bring back another favorite segment… Total Drama Fugitive!!!
(The clip of Izzy’s cameo in Season 4 plays)
Bridgette: after coming back last season to mess with the new contestants… and Chef, Izzy went into hiding underground and crowned herself queen of the mutant gophers.
(Switch to Izzy’s return in the last episode)
Geoff: but after someone (cough) Noah (cough) gave our favorite psycho hose beast a call for a little reunion with my man, Owen-
Bridgette: which was sweet by the way, Izzy took off once again being chased by the RCMP.
Geoff: I’m no psychic, that’s Dawn’s thing, but I’m predicting that they’ll never be able to catch her. What do you think, babe?
Bridgette: if they couldn’t catch her years ago, they never will. What I’m more concerned about is Ezekiel. You guys gotta admit, what happened to him in World Tour was REALLY brutal, don’t you think?
LeShawna: mmphmm, that boy may be small and dim, but no doubt he got the worst of it!
Anne Maria: (Shivers) Try having that thing try to kiss ya with his clammy, seriously un-moisturized lips! I still get nightmares about that thing!
Geoff: for those who don’t remember, after getting an anti-climactic exit in season 3, Ezekiel snuck back on the plane eager to try and get the million!
Bridgette: Living with the animals caused him to become feral and zombified, not quite human, but still smelled like Ezekiel. The kicker, he actually got away with the money…. Before falling in the volcano and surviving… somehow-
Geoff: a year later Zeke was found in the mines of Wawanakwa, as king of the gophers!
Bridgette: and just as we thought he was going to actually be a part of THIS season, Chris ONCE AGAIN set him up for a fall by DENYING him a chance to compete, again!
Geoff: we sent out a search party to bring him here and found… NOTHING! Ezekiel’s on the run again!
Bridgette: No one can find him… and no one except us seems to be looking for him!
Geoff: but recently, Sierra, our little inside scoop-finder, sent us some super spooky footage captured all around the camp… check it out, if you dare!
(The monitor shows Scott sleeping in the loser cabin, he looks out the window and gasps as a familiar looking shadow stands right outside the window; lightning flashes and it disappears. Next cut to Zoey in the shower with a towel wrapped around her, she notices something rush into one of the shower stalls and gasps; she peeks inside the stall… and nothing is there. Cut to Gwen sitting on the cabin stairs looking out at the field, and then doodles in her sketch pad; she looks up a few times, and then gasps at her drawing, which shows Ezekiel standing in the field; she nervously looks up, but nothing is there. Finally cut to Owen eating dinner at the spa hotel; he feels around the table for a fork, an Ezekiel-shaped shadow standing next to him hands him a fork, Owen doesn’t notice the shadow as he grabs the fork; but before he starts eating, he blinks and looks to his left again… the shadow is gone. After the clips are done, everyone looks terrified/huddling together in fear)
Bridgette: (Huddled close to Geoff, shivering) w-w-wow, I n-n-never thought I’d actually be scared of anyone on this show OTHER than Chef!
Geoff: I know what you mean, babe! Just can’t believe we shared a hot tub with that dude once! (Sniffs a little) Where did the good times go, dudes?
Trent: They went away when Chris decided to play with a million dollars.
Bridgette: yeah that sounds about right. (Sighs dejectedly) so, should we bring out our last two guests?
Geoff: yeah, might as well. But first, let’s look at their journey here!
(The monitor switches to a montage of some of Lightning and Jo’s season 4 moments)
Bridgette: Jo’s a power-hungry athlete with the heart of a lion and a cutthroat attitude.
Geoff: and Lightning’s a sport-playing POWERHOUSE (Shows a clip of his hitting himself with a frying pan) with the brainpower of a deflated basketball.
Bridgette: Even since the beginning, Jo and Lightning have had a fast-growing rivalry.
(Clip of the first episode of season 4 shows)
Jo: Sorry you had to lose to a girl.
Lightning: What girl? Lightning didn’t lose, bro! Lightning NEVER loses!
(Cut back to the montage)
Geoff: He seriously didn’t know Jo was a girl? (Chuckles) Dude needs an eye doctor! Anyways, their rivalry only grew when Jo left Lightning for dead to become shark food, but got the boot after going Bossy McPushy on Cameron. Landing Lightning a spot in last season’s finale against Cam.
Bridgette: Lightning may have been about as smart as a pound of bacon, but not even getting struck by …well, lightning could tame his super competitive spirit. But not even his python muscles and newly whitened hair could prepare him for this season.
Geoff: One trip to Boney Island was all it took to make what’s left of Lightning’s brain fry. Costing his team the challenge and getting canned second; bummer, dude.
Bridgette: of course Jo MAY have had a hand in that too. She pushed everyone to try and vote off Lightning, while butting heads with Heather for team supremacy! Yeah, fun fact, Jo: you try and take on Heather, and you just might lose.
(Jo is peeking out from backstage)
Jo: hey! I already found that out when I got the boot! Isn’t that enough!?
Geoff: whoa, dude! We didn’t call you guys yet!
Jo: I know; I’m just getting ready because Sha-Bonehead back here’ll probably just try to be the first out here. So get a move on, will ya, Mr. and Mrs. Kisserson!?
Geoff: (Whispering to Bridgette)…no respect for the hosts. (Out loud) Anyways, after repeatedly firing at her own teammate and getting leeched by Zoey, Jo was forced to make a not-so-dramatic exit!
Bridgette: Our next guests nearly choked on a baby fire-breathing bug, does jumping jacks naked, and both got out-foxed by a bubble boy… please welcome Jo and Lightning!!!!
(Jo walks out, notices the audience, and starts awkwardly waving and smiling. Then Lightning runs right past her and scoots in)
Lightning: HA! Sha-first again!!!!
Jo: (Pouting) yeah, as in FIRST villain to get the flush, Lamening!
Bridgette: (Awkwardly) well, uh, regardless, we’re super psyched to have you both here.
Lightning: (Checks out Bridgette and smirks) Sha-DAAANG girl, how about you stick around after the show and I’ll show you how much fun it is hanging with White Lightning! (Poses) Sha-yyyeeeeaaaaah! (Kisses his bicep)
Bridgette: (Offended) um, I HAVE a boyfriend!!
Lightning: so? Lightning used to have a girl back home, but she was too slow for Lightning! Lose the zero, get with the hero!
Geoff: (Growls and scoots over to the catapult, starts shaking it) Why won’t this thing launch!?! (Everyone looks at Geoff awkwardly) uh I mean uh… so Jo, why don’t YOU take the Seat of Dishing for a spin first?
Lightning: what?! Why does Jo get to go first?! Lightning ALWAYS goes first!
Jo: (Smirking) yeah, no kidding.
Geoff: yeah, here’s the thing uh… it’s not up to you. Besides, Jo didn’t try to flirt with my girl!
Lightning: Don’t be sha-stupid! Everyone knows Jo’s a girl! (Smirks proudly and walks to the bleachers)
Jo: (Highly angered, mumbles to herself) yeah, anyone with a brain, Sha-Stupid. (Walks over to the seat and sits down) Alright so how does this thing work? (Metal cuffs suddenly clamp around Jo’s wrists and ankles, binding her to the chair) What the- HEY! What gives!?
Bridgette: (Nervously) we swear, that was the producers’ idea! Said it was the only way you guys wouldn’t avoid getting splattered.
Jo: (Groans) Whatever. Gimme your best shot!
Geoff: You heard the lady, babe. So Jo, you really pushed the whole get rid of Lightning campaign… not that I blame you, but STILL, why so early?
Jo: Be honest, if you were in MY shoes, would you have wanted to put up with (Points to Lightning) THAT all season? (Lightning poses and kisses his biceps, Tyler, Dakota, and Beth all cringe)
Bridgette: …good point; but still, you weren’t exactly the friendliest contestant; either last season or THIS season.
Jo: (Sniffs) so what? I don’t care. Friends mess with my winning edge …which I would’ve had twice if it weren’t for Bubble-Geek and Apology-Brat!
Geoff: (Notices the catapult not moving an inch) …whoa, you really mean that?
Jo: (Smirking) Yep.
Bridgette: so… you’re REALLY ok with not having any friends on the show?
Jo: Pretty much.
Geoff: so you wouldn’t bury the hatchet with Lightning either?
Jo: …I’d rather give Freak-Zekiel a tongue bath! (Audience groans in disgust)
Geoff: whoa… this chick’s hardcore!
Jo: heh, that’s what got me this far in the first place!
Anne Maria: yeah, and it also got you in HERE, Blondie!
Jo: No, it was because I was on a team of washout teammates! Anyways I don’t care about having friends, I don’t care what ANYONE thinks of me!
(Just as she says that, the catapult jerks forward a little. Everyone looks at Jo in shock. Jo cringes. A beep sounds from the electro-panel)
Bridgette: whoa, hey look at that, we’ve got a webcam video question for Jo, from Burt from Newfoundland.
(The monitor switches to a teen in an oversized rain jacket standing in front of the shack from the Newfoundland episode)
Burt: (Irish accent) ‘Allo lads.
Jo: what’s up, Irish Stew? What’s your question?
Burt: ok; who do ya hate more, Lightning, Brick, or Heather?
Jo: hmmm, tough call. G.I. Joke’s too fun to mess with, Old Heather’s annoying but she’s played the game, and Jockstrap… (Lightning’s STILL kissing his biceps) …yyyeeeaaaaahhhh I hate Lightning more.
Lightning: what you got against the Lightning?!
Jo: you want the full list, because that list goes from here to Kalamazoo.
Burt: ooh, also which do you prefer? Duncney or Gwun-
(Suddenly the monitor switches off, Bridgette and Geoff looking nervous)
Bridgette: oops, uh looks like we lost Burt’s connection…. (Sees a beeping on the panel) huh, but we do have a…. never-before-seen clip of Jo?
Jo: a what? I was there for THREE episodes; what could they have caught of me that hasn’t already been seen?
Geoff: uh… let’s find out.
(The monitor shows Zoey and Courtney in the bathroom fixing their make-up. Jo is standing next to them; she looks in the mirror and looks down, feeling saddened. Everyone looks worried at Jo (Except Lightning))
Jo: (Looks around awkwardly) uh…. (Glares at Lightning) WOULD YOU GIVE IT A REST!? Jeez, you make out with your biceps more than the Blonde Smoochers do!!
Geoff: ok, let’s just chill out for a second.
Bridgette: Jo, you know we’re not here to judge right? …Well ok the producers are, but we’re not. But that video kinda made you look a little self-conscious.
Jo: What? I don’t care how I look! (The catapult jerks a bit more)
Anne Maria: Yeah? You sure cared enough to get a makeover last season.
Jo: I was TRYING to get rid of that yeti! And it wasn’t make-up; it was war paint! (The Catapult jerks a little more. Jo cringes in fear)
Geoff: (Nervously) uh, just warning you! I have NO IDEA what’s in that balloon, and I don’t think you want to find out very soon!
Jo: (Groans) alright fine, I cave! I do care a little bit! (The catapult pulls back. Jo sighs sadly) I dunno, I’m NOT one of those preppy fashion zombies who have to devote herself to how she looks. Heck if I did I’d just end up being another Helmet-Head. (Anne Maria glares) I mean I don’t care how I look compared to her because she tries WAY too hard just to look like a pile of turd; but I dunno, sometimes when I’m around girls who barely even try like apology-brat or Boredney, I feel all… ugly and stuff. (She looks down, saddened)
Eva: (Rubs her arm awkwardly) I hear that. (Trent, LeShawna, and Cody look at her awkwardly) uh I mean uh… (Grabs a walnut and awkwardly growls) I’m still angry and s-stuff. (Awkwardly crushes the walnut and smiles)
Jo: Probably didn’t help that in school, a lot of the preppy girls and Neanderthal jocks used to call me a guy!!!
(Everyone glares at Lightning)
Lightning: (Confused) what? …Lightning got something stuck in his teeth?
Bridgette: (Turns back to Jo) Wow, Jo. I had no idea.
Jo: Yeah, well now you know. So go ahead, just pile on the jokes already!
Justin: (Stands up) I feel your pain, Jo! But you should count your blessings you never had beauty. I lost all of my handsomosity already, and even now I’m fighting to get it back; but you are lucky, because you’ll never have beauty to lose, or the gaping feeling of loss.
Jo: (Her glare softens) wow that… was actually somewhat helpful. Thanks, Man-Lips. (Justin looks down, defeated. Jo turns back to Bridgette and Geoff) anyways, what was that Burt guy about to ask? Looked like he was asking about Count Gwenula and Short-Legs.
Geoff: (Sighs) He was. Just one of those really cheesed-off fans who sends us a lot of hate mail, and is SERIOUSLY HARSHING MY MELLOW!!!!
Bridgette: ever since Gwen and Duncan hooked up in season 3, we’ve been getting a lot of fan mail… and a lot of it is hate towards Gwen and Duncan! (Whistles; a pickup truck backs into the studio and dumps a mountain of letters on top of the cast). Ok to be fair, at least half of them are actually very nice letters. But every once in a while we get something like (Looks at a letter) “Dear Duncan, How dare you cheat on Courtney!”
Geoff: or like this one, “Dear NEW Heather, You dumped a catch like Trent for a jerk like Duncan?! You’re even worse than Alejandro!”
DJ: (Looks at a letter) Or like this one? “Dear Punk Wannabes, how about I find you, take my golf club and…” (Gasps) WHOA!!! Man you guys REALLY need to start monitoring these letters!
Trent: (Pushes his way out of the letters) ok, I’ve heard enough!
(Everyone gasps. As Trent continues speaking, an intern walks through the stage with a broom, sweeping the letters off-stage)
Trent: (Looks directly into the cameras) Look, I’m flattered you guys want me and Gwen to get back together, but it’s not gonna happen. I’M the one who messed up, not Gwen. She has Duncan now and …I’m ok with that.
(Jo cringes, preparing for the catapult. But it doesn’t move)
Jo: whoa. You’re seriously okay with getting dumped on international TV, Elvis?
Trent: I mean ok yeah, I STILL think Duncan’s a jerk, but he DOES care for Gwen… in a jerky way. Besides it’s Gwen’s choice who she dates; not mine, not Courtney’s, not anyone’s. If she’s happy, I’m happy.
LeShawna: whoo! That a boy Trent!
Harold: Very cool.
Katie: He’s so wise!
Sadie: and still so cute!
(B just gives an approving point)
Sam: (Chuckles) awesome!
Cody: (Looks around shiftily) uh… y-yeah. I’m happy too. Yeah, I’m TOTALLY ok that a hottie like Gwen hooked up with a jerk like Duncan!
(Right as he says that, the catapult swings forward, sending the balloons flying at Jo. The collide with her and explode, covering her in a red substance)
Beth: (Frightened) is… is that… BLOOD!?!?
(All the others scream in fear, LeShawna clings to Harold, Katie and Sadie cling to Trent, Sam clings to Dakota, DJ hides behind B, and Geoff clings to Bridgette)
Jo: (Doesn’t look frightened, then sniffs) hey, it’s just ketchup! (The clamps come undone, and Jo stands up, glaring at Cody) You’re a dead man, Pint-Sized-Perv!!
(Cody screams and runs off-stage, Jo chasing after him. The others all sigh in relief)
Geoff: uh, you think we should help the little dude?
Bridgette: nah, Cody’s gotta learn to let go one of these days.
Geoff: true that, babe! Anyways, and now for our last guest of the night-
(Lightning summersaults into the seat of dishing)
Lightning: Best for last, baby; Sha-Lightning!!!!
Bridgette: (Rolls her eyes) so, Lightning, last season you rocked it all the way to the finale, but this season you were the FIRST villain voted off the island! It must have sucked making it so far and then getting the boot so early next! Where do you think it went wrong?
Lightning: sha-duh! It went wrong when my team of losers couldn’t take the heat… again! They just tossed out their strongest teammate!
Lindsay: they would’ve just voted you off anyway, Lamar. You were kind of annoying.
Lightning: Who’s Lamar? That guy sounds like a pain in the kiwis, ‘cus EVERYONE loves The Lightning!
(The catapult flings 3 balloons at full speed. Lightning ducks and the balloons hit Tyler again, knocking him out of his seat again)
Geoff: ooh! Apparently the water balloons disagree; and I’m not gonna lie, I’m going with the catapult, dude. Check out these clips.
(A clips montage shows up on the monitor, showing all of Lightning’s catchphrases)
Lightning: Sha-Lightning! Sha-Bam! Sha-Zoom! Sha-Boogy! Sha-Bye-Bye, suckers! Sha-Yeeeaaaaaaah! Sha-Baaaam!!!
(After the montage ends, Lightning’s just smiling proudly)
Lightning: heh! I don’t see what the problem is; all I see is a sexy beast with his sexy catchphrases!
Bridgette: really? So you don’t see an obnoxious jerkface showing off?
Lightning: Nope.
Geoff: really? Because that’s not how everyone else reacted, let’s hear what everyone had to say about Lightning!
(Montage: Everyone’s thoughts on Lightning)
Scott: (Clip from Ice, Ice, Baby) SHUT your mouth for once!
(Confessional: Gwen from Evil Dread)
Gwen: Does he ever sha-shut up!?
Jo: (From Heroes vs Villains, pushing Lightning in the baby carriage) and I really don't like you.
Lightning: (Smirking) What's not to like? (Kisses his bicep)
Jo: You're kidding, right?
Lightning: (Clip from Evil Dread) Sha- (Before he can finish, Dawn leaps off the platform, bounces off Lightning’s head, making his pass out, and lands gracefully on her foot)
(The clip of Heather hitting Lightning in the face with a shovel is shown)
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: He is so arrogant! I might understand it if he had this face (Points to face), but he does not have this face.
(Cut to a never-before seen clip of Lightning chatting on the beach and Noah looking irritated)
Lightning: and that’s when Lightning scored ANOTHER touchdown!! Coach keeps telling Lightning that he needs to be a team player (While he continues talking, Noah rushes right towards the crab pit and dives right in) but Lightning tells coach, “Hey, it ain’t my fault if Lightning should be a team of one!” And he just looks at me and says….
(Montage ends)
Lightning: (Shocked) wow…. I-I-I never realized-
Bridgette: (A little relieved smile formed on her lips) It’s ok, Lightning. Every once in a while we all need a little reality check and…
Lightning: -I look WAY better with white hair than with regular old brown hair! I should start calling myself “White Lightning” More often! SHA-WHITE LIGHTNING!!!!
(Eva growls and crushes the whole bowl of walnuts)
Trent: better wrap this up soon, guys. Eva’s out of walnuts!
Geoff: ok, I got ONE MORE question that’s gonna get ya!
(Lightning notices LeShawna and gasps. LeShawna raises an eyebrow at him. Lightning simply sits up from his chair, breaking the metal cuffs, and mindlessly starts walking towards her)
Geoff: what the-? HEY! Not cool, dude, those cuffs come out of our paychecks! Hey, I didn’t even get to ask your final question!
Lightning: (Approaches LeShawna) sha-dang, big girl! You a little big, but Lightning don’t judge.
LeShawna: (Offended) Excuuuuse me?!
Lightning: How about YOU stick around after the show, buy Lightning a soda, and Lightning gives you a free ticket to the GUN show!! (B facepalms)
LeShawna: (Snickers) You frontin’ me? I don’t see it happening!
Lightning: why not? Ain’t no girl that can resist the Lightning!
LeShawna: well for one, you’re a big ole’ jerkface! And two, with lines like that, you’re getting about as much play as a VHS in a world of Digital Downloads! (The audience and the rest of the peanut gallery laugh)
Lightning: (Grabs LeShawna’s wrist) come on, girl. Lightning wants YOU! And Lightning NEVER gives up-
Harold: hey! (Chops Lightning’s hand away) I believe the lady said no!
Lightning: yeah? Well I said yes! And ain’t no girl say no to the Lightning!
Harold: no girl with a brain says no, maybe; but my fair LeShawna is too smart to ever want to be with a jerk like you! (LeShawna smiles a bit, touched. Harold holds up a white glove)
Lightning: what’s with the glove?
Harold: Surely you are familiar with Queensbury Rules. You’ve insulted my fair lady, so now we must fight in the field of honor! (Slaps Lightning across the face with the glove, everyone gasps. Jo and Cody peak in from backstage, Cody’s face slightly bruised)
Lightning: hold the phone there, little nerdling! Are you challenging the Lightning?!
Harold: Indeed I am, sir! And I will use every ounce of my wicked skills to defeat the Shōmō heishi! (Lightning blinks in confusion) …it’s Japanese for expendable soldier. GOSH!
Lightning: I’ll show YOU who’s the expendable one when I pound you into a nerdy little street pizza!
(Lightning and Harold glare at each other and growl. Bridgette steps in between them)
Bridgette: whoa, everyone just calm down! We’re not gonna stop everything and let you guys start beating each other up in the ring!
Geoff: (Awkwardly) uh… actually, babe, I just got a call from the producers. Apparently they’re green-lighting this fight.
Bridgette: what?! Seriously?! First they give Chris parole, then they let him torture our friends with ANOTHER season, NOW they’re actually OKAY with these two battling it out?! I’m sorry; I did NOT agree to come back to this show just to go through another bloodbath!
Harold: Bloodbath? GOSH! I could take him!
Bridgette: no offense, Harold, but I’m not taking that chance. Call the producers and tell them this fight isn’t happening!
Geoff: I tried, babe; they won’t listen! They said either it happens, or they cut the funding for the you-know-what!
Bridgette: what?! They can’t do that! That’s not fair!
Geoff: I know it’s not fair, babe. But these guys are crazy for ratings!
Bridgette: (Sighs, defeated) fine! Looks like our bloodhound producers left us with no choice. (Unenthusiastically) so get ready for another round of Brains vs. Brawns on fight night.
(Fade to white, and then back, where a boxing arena has emerged from the ground. Lightning and Harold stand on opposite ends, both fitted with boxing gloves. LeShawna and DJ rub Harold’s shoulders while Geoff gives him a pep talk)
Geoff: ok, dude! Lightning’s big, and strong, and stupid; but you’ve got wicked dodge balling skills! Just keep dodging, tire him out, then STRIKE HIM DOWN, DUDE!!!!!
DJ: don’t look him in the eyes, man!
LeShawna: (Holds a water bottle and squirts it in Harold’s mouth) You got this, baby! Show this chump who’s in charge!
(Harold wipes the water off his lips, stands up, and smacks his boxing gloves together)
Lightning: (Looks at the peanut gallery behind him) what? Ain’t no one givin’ Lightning a pep talk? Uh, not that Lightning NEEDS one!
Jo: (Unenthusiastically) Lightning, Lightning, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, (Shrugs) oh well.
Geoff: (Steps in the middle of the ring) ok, dudes. The producers and I want a dirty fight. I’m talking biting, screaming, punching, and kicking! But absolutely NO blood drawing! (Steps out of the ring)
Lightning: Oh don’t hold your breath! When I’m through with Nerdly here, his blood ain’t gonna know which way’s up or right!
Cody: (Just looks on in shock, then facepalms) ok, how did THIS guy end up in the finale last year?!
Jo: (Scowling) now you know how I feel, pervy.
(The bell dings and both fighters get into fighting stance. Lightning takes a running start, raising his fist. He takes a swipe at Harold, but Harold ducks. Lightning swipes several more times, but Harold ducks each time)
Lightning: sha-dang! You’re actually sorta faster than the Lightning.
Harold: I’ve learned everything I know from Sensei Steve’s Martial Arts Camp!
(Harold then front-flips 3 times in front of Lightning, then scissor-kicks his face. Everyone cringes, then cheers)
Geoff: and it looks like Harold might actually take down big bad Lightning!
LeShawna: whoooo!!! Yeah baby! You got the moves; you got the grooves!!!!
Harold: (Stands back up) YES! Once again the mighty mind dominates over the biggest walls!
Lightning: Over Lightning’s dead body!!! Sha-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BAM!!!!
(Lightning delivers a fierce blow to Harold’s jaw, sending him flying into a wall. All the peanut gallery players gasp (LeShawna gasps in horror) as Harold is now lodged in the wall, battered, bruised, and his glasses broken)
Harold: (Groans) my jewels have been ransacked!
Lightning: ha! Told you I’d make you into a nerd pizza! I win! Sha-
(Before he can finish, a fist knocks him in the jaw; causing one of his teeth to fall out and making him fall to the floor. The fist belongs to a very angry LeShawna)
LeShawna: see, THAT’S what happens when you mess with the WROOOOOONG SISTER!!!! You ever mess with my Harold again, and I’ll turn your big chewy head inside out!!!
(Lightning weakly stands up, notices his missing tooth, gasps, and growls)
Lightning: hey! ain’t NOBODY punch out The Lightning!!!
(He pulls his fist back and thrusts it forward, causing his boxing glove to go flying straight towards LeShawna. LeShawna ducks; suddenly a loud clang is heard. The others all gasp in forward as they see that the boxing glove has landed smack-dab into Eva’s face)
Geoff: (Chuckles a bit) oh snap. He did NOT just do that!
(A steam whistle is heard as the boxing glove falls to the floor. Eva’s head glows completely red, her eyes become bloodshot, the veins in her neck start throbbing)
Lightning: (Terrified) sha-mommy.
(Lightning runs off-stage screaming, and Eva chases after him. The others cringe as a series of punches and screams are heard off-screen)
Geoff: ooh! And Lightning is DOWN!! …way down! …uh, actually you think we should help the guy?
Bridgette: (Her watch beeps) ooh, sorry, looks like we’re out of time. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Eva doesn’t kill Lightning before the next aftermath! So don’t forget to keep on emailing us your questions!
Geoff: and don’t forget to keep tuning in with Chris on the next new episode of Total Drama All-Stars!!!
(The audience applauses as the beating sounds are still heard)
Bridgette: on second thought, let’s call him an ambulance.
(End credits)
Literature
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Chris: (Voice over, Recapping last episode) Last time on Total Drama, the final four had to trek up a mountain while being chased by killer robo crocs in order to make it to the semi-finals. Jasmine felt guilty about being mean to Sky and decided to take her to the final three with her and Shawn. Sugar became the new Owen with her big butt blast that saved her and Sky from un”bear”able doom. (Laughs) Anyone? No? (Annoyed) Fine! (Happy) Sky and Sugar’s alliance stared like it ended; very quickly. And it looked like Jasm
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(Fades into the Aftermath Studio where Geoff and Bridgette are alone on the couch looking very sad)
Geoff: Hi everyone! This is Geoff; your aftermath host.
Bridgette: And I’m Bridgette; your co-host.
Geoff: And we just wanted to let you know that we all feel sorry for Sky after what she went through in the last episode.
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Geoff: I know why some people hate her, but even they don&
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Written by TDThomasFan725
Chris: (Voice over, recapping last episode) Last time on Total Drama, the contestants took part in our first ever Total Drama Olympics. While most performed valiantly, Sky however managed to fumble at every single event and lost her temper yet again. Guess she’s not cut out for the Olympics after all. (Laughs) It was discovered that everyone knew about Topher being in love with Sky. And Dave finally managed to bring Sky down to her lowest point when he smacked her in the face. (Chuckles) OUCH! Topher was so mad that he competed against Da
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FIRST AFTERMATH TIME!!! ^^ And next weekend, be ready as me and 
conquer what we think is one of the most controversial episodes of the season!
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!!!!
conquer what we think is one of the most controversial episodes of the season!DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!!!!
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It was at that very moment he knew, he sha-fucked up.
also Harold basically shitting on the OG All Stars Finale was a bit funni, and I love how everyone got a moment to shine